


Book 1: The Spring Where Love Blooms

by FawkesRoy



Series: We are the Protagonists of the World [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aoba Johsai High School, Bisexual Oikawa Tooru, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends to Lovers, Coming of Age, First Love, Gay Iwaizumi Hajime, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kyohaba crumbs, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Time Skip, Slice of Life, post spring high preliminaries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FawkesRoy/pseuds/FawkesRoy
Summary: Tooru knew love was like cherry blossoms,Beautiful in the moment,but withers awayUnder the sunHajime wished love was like cherry blossoms,Even after the coldest winters,they would always bloomand usher in the SpringAoba Johsai’s second school term ends, and the third-years retire from the Volleyball Club. As Iwaizumi and Oikawa decide on their separate futures, they realize what is important to them, and wonder how to hold on to it.Immerse into the everyday lives of Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime, narrated through alternating POVs. A love that has been buried for so many years, will it bloom in the last spring?Genre: Romance/Slice of Life
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: We are the Protagonists of the World [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075586
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	1. Running out of Excuses

Friday, December 21, 2012  
A Karaoke Bar, Sendai

“Once more Oikawa-san!” Two second-year girls giggled as one of them handed the microphone over to the charming boy sitting between them. His chestnut brown bangs falling over his forehead, just shy of his almond-shaped caramel eyes. Oikawa Tooru was the typical pretty boy and quite popular among the girls at Aoba Johsai High School. 

Watari Shinji nodded his head in resignment, he should have accounted for Oikawa’s Fan Club. The maximum occupancy of the room was sixteen, and at this moment it was overflowing with over twenty high school students. He had initially made the reservation for the twelve members of the Boys Volleyball Club. He wasn’t too bothered when Kindaichi and Yahaba asked if they could bring their girlfriends. He had booked the largest room at the venue as he had expected some of his teammates to bring their dates. However, he failed to account for the girls who showed up just for Oikawa. 

Across the room, Mihoko gave him an apologetic smile and mouthed a silent sorry. Watari waved at her and smiled back. She was in his class and has been dating Yahaba for a little over a year now. She got along quite well with most of the team, with the exception of Kyoutani, the Mad Dog. Did this second year hate her, or fear her because she was Yahaba’s girlfriend, Watari wasn’t sure. One could never know what really goes on in the head of teenagers. At the very least, Mihoko shouldn’t feel bad about her friends coming along. The rest of the boys on the team seem thrilled about it. A girl with strawberry blonde hair just winked at Watari, and he wasn’t complaining at all. 

From a distance, it appeared that Tooru was fully occupied by all the girls around him. He enjoyed the overt flattery, and played along with their flirtatious back and forth, much to the ire of other boys who didn’t even get a fraction of the coveted female attention. However, he noticed the door crack open slightly and someone slipped away from the room. No one would have seen that, but nothing slips from this setter’s eyes. Being the best setter in Miyagi prefecture meant Oikawa could track the positions of all twelve players on the court at any point in time, no matter how fast or stealthily they moved. Compared to the volleyball court, this karaoke room was a piece of cake. _Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?_

“Now, now, ladies, did you know Watachi sings really well” Oikawa stands up and points to Watari. “He is a man of many talents, such a mystery” He playfully hands the microphone to Watari and gives him the signature wink and grin. “Maybe you and Mad Dog can sing a duet” Oikawa signals at Kyoutani who predictably takes the bait. 

One could hear Kyoutani growling, Yahaba scolding, and Mihoko and Watari trying to pacify without any success, but nobody saw Oikawa leave the room in the midst of the chaos. 

Seemingly pleased with how inconspicuously he got out, Tooru narrowed his eyes and began his search. The hallway was lined with red and silver orbs hanging from the ceiling and reflecting the decorative lights, creating a thousand tiny rainbows. With hands in his pockets, he hummed a K-Pop song and strolled down the hallway. He hardly noticed any of the decorations and reached the end where it opened into a large rectangular foyer. A ten feet tall Christmas Tree stood in the middle, and beside it, were the pair of orbs he was seeking, in his favorite shade of green. 

“Iwa-Chan! I have been looking for you everywhere”

Tooru looked straight into the eyes that had imprinted in his soul eighteen years ago. He probably has memorized all the golden-brown flecks in those dark green irises, yet when he saw the Christmas lights reflected off them, his heart expanded then deflated slowly with a familiar ache. 

“There is only so much of your singing one can take, Onchi-Kawa [1]” The boy in front of him replied hastily. A deflection mechanism perfected over years. 

“Rude! Those girls from the music club are trying to recruit this mellifluous voice” Tooru whined in a higher pitch, as he walked up to this nearly six feet tall figure with spiky black hair. “But I told them, I could never leave my Iwa-chan!” He jumped and tightly looped his arms around Iwaizumi Hajime’s left arm, and flopped his head on the broad shoulders. 

Usually, at this point, Hajime would smack Tooru’s hand and jerk his shoulders to push him away. But today, he let his setter lean on him for a little longer. Maybe because he was acutely aware of how little time was left for them to be together, standing side by side. 

Today was the last day of their last ever second semester. The Aoba Johsai Volleyball Club members had come to the Karaoke bar to celebrate the end of the school term and the end of tenure for the third-year players. Typically, the seniors leave the club much earlier, at the end of the first term, but, Tooru decided to stay for Spring High, and all others continued in tacit agreement. 

Matsukawa said he planned to join his family-run Funeral Home and joked that “The dead don’t care about grades or degrees”. Hanamaki argued that he still didn’t know what to do after graduation, so he would rather just “have some fun”. Deep down, everyone in the team knew that they would follow their captain’s lead without any question. That was the kind of loyalty and trust Oikawa brought out from people.

But the reason Iwaizumi stayed was not out of loyalty to the team’s captain, and definitely not because he wanted some kind of revenge against their school rival Shiratorizawa. Those who didn’t know Iwaizumi were surprised when he continued on the volleyball team for the second term. The career counselor even tried to talk him out of it. _You are currently at the top of your class. You want to apply to the United States for college. This is an unnecessary risk._

Some called him a careless fool, while others put him on a pedestal as a selfless Vice-Captain. The truth is Hajime stayed because he was selfish. He knew he would eventually be left behind, for he wasn’t good enough for Pro Volleyball. But in High School, he wanted to be Tooru’s ace in all matches. He wanted to be the one arriving earliest at the gym along with Tooru. He wanted to be the one dragging Tooru home after a long practice session. He wasn’t ready to see someone else step in his place, not yet. He wanted to be by his side just a little longer.

“Get off me, Clingy-Kawa” Hajime has learned to disguise his selfishness with teasing words. 

“Aww, Iwa-chan, and here I almost thought you were becoming nicer” Tooru released his grasp and slipped his hands back into his pockets. 

Neither faced the other, instead, they looked ahead at the large window pane. The karaoke bar was situated on the top floor of one of the many skyscrapers in Sendai City downtown. The sun had just set, painting the sky a deep purple. Snow flurries were descending on this city, as it turned on the lights and prepared for the night. It was a rare captivating view, but Hajime’s eyes were transfixed on Tooru’s reflection in the glass. He noticed those eyes turn somber, and reflexively, his heart tightened. 

“Tooru, are you still thinking about what that dimwit Ushijima said to you?” Hajime grumbled. 

Tooru closed his eyes and tilted his chin upwards, “No, I am not worried about Ushijima, or even Tobio-chan. This is just the beginning, and I will beat them countless times in the future” He turned towards Hajime and gave his infamous smirk. Then, he quickly lowered his gaze, as if he would lose his facade if he looked even for a second longer. 

“I .. wish .. we had a little bit longer, Iwa-chan,” Tooru said with trepidation. “I mean, I have lived my entire life with you. Walk to school with Iwa-chan, prepare volleyball practice schedules with Iwa-chan... Ask Iwa-chan to scold unruly juniors... Have lunch with Iwa-chan. Copy Iwa-chan’s homework... We were always the first to arrive, and the last ones to leave the gym, together.” As he spoke, the sentences kept getting interrupted with longer, messier sniffles. 

“Now I am going away to a new country, and so would you.” 

“Tooru .. “ Hajime turned towards this brown-eyed boy who had tears and snot streaming down his face. “You are such a messy crier, UglyKawa” He searched in his pocket for a handkerchief, and just like a thousand times before, brought it to Tooru’s face and began to gently wipe it all away. 

He wanted to tell this crying boy how much he desires to be with him. It was so easy initially as if the universe conspired for them to be together. They lived in the same neighborhood, and their mothers were good friends. They were enrolled in the same elementary school and were always sorted in the same class at the beginning of each school year. But lately, life has been taking away all these excuses from him. At the beginning of the third year, Hajime moved to class 5, the college preparatory class, leaving Tooru behind in class 6. Today, the Volleyball Club is ending. In a few months, the school will end, and Hajime would finally have run out of reasons to be with him. If it were a romance novel, Hajime would have followed Tooru to the depths of Hell. But this is real life, and in less than six months, they would be separated by thousands of miles. 

Lost in these thoughts, Hajime’s thumb accidentally brushed past Tooru’s lips, and they both trembled a little. Hajime leaned in and placed a fleeting kiss on those quivering lips. Before he could pull back, Tooru’s fingers braced his neck and pulled him in for a deeper kiss. Hajime jerked backward, his heart pounding in his chest. The two boys faced each other, with Tooru’s cheeks flushed pink, and a deep red creeping up Hajime’s neck. 

Tooru grasped his chest with his right hand and gasped for air. _Was it a mistake? Why did Hajime push him away?_ His heart was sinking fast like a dropped anchor and he thought he might drown along with it. 

“Oye, Oikawa! Iwaizumi! What are you two scheming now?” Hanamaki’s voice echoed through the foyer. Hanamaki and Matsukawa have always been blessed with impeccable timing. Whether for better or worse, Oikawa hadn’t figured it out yet. At this moment though, he was thankful for their arrival, because his legs were weak and about to give away. 

“Oikawa, were you crying again?” Hanamaki teasingly asked. “You should have called us, not many chances left to see you cry now” Matsukawa added. 

“Why are you here?” Iwaizumi finally spoke. Tooru scrutinized his face, trying to search for any clue. But his face had the usual hardened scowl, refined over the years to hide everything Tooru-related. 

“Come on, you don’t have the exclusive license to bully Oikawa” Hanamaki grinned ear to ear and added “The kids were getting too rowdy. We realized that we are too old for all this.”

“Still, we should head back before Oikawa’s fangirls start hunting for him,” Iwaizumi added dryly. 

His words landed like shards of glass on Oikawa’s ears. _Why is he pretending that nothing happened? Fine, Hajime, I’ll play along with this sham, like always._

He let out a deep exhale, and put on his princely charm, “Come on boys, it is not chivalrous to keep the beautiful ladies waiting, now is it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Onchi: Tone-deafness  [ return to text ]


	2. Out of Reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW : mention of traffic accident and possible casualties

When Tooru was a child, he always followed around Hajime, with his fair chubby hands firmly gripped by the other’s lean and dusky fingers. They played, fought, even cried, and fell asleep together every evening. When their mothers tried to pick one up and leave, both would agitate and begin to cry, as if they sensed being separated. However, as adolescence weathered their childhood innocence, Hajime’s fingers slipped away, and Tooru was left with empty hands and conflicting feelings about his best friend. 

Sometime in middle school, Hajime turned reticent in both words and gestures towards Tooru. They would still spend most of their time together, but no matter how far Tooru extended his hand, his friend was always a sliver out of his reach. Hajime would let Tooru grab his arm when they walked back from school, but would never lean in himself. Often, on long bus rides after a tiring game, they would sit on the back row and Tooru would plop his head on Hajime’s lap unannounced and sleep off. Hajime never complained, but he never reached out to Tooru by himself. It would seem he was just putting up with the shenanigans of his childhood best friend. Occasionally though, Tooru would catch a glimmer of yearning in those green eyes, his heart would recognize it in a beat as if it were its twin. However, Hajime would quickly avert his eyes, leaving his heart in a lurch, with no evidence for his rational mind. 

Each time, Tooru would take that shard of memory and place it inside the box called “Iwa-Chan”. He would then bury the box behind his heart. On some nights, he would open it and agonize over each look, touch, word, and gesture. Then he would angrily shut the box, promising himself never to open it, wishing it would sink forever in the depths of his pain. 

In the past six months, Tooru hadn’t opened the box even once. Not since that day after their defeat against Shiratorizawa at the Inter-High Preliminaries. During this time, he had a girlfriend, though the relationship lasted only two months. He focussed on volleyball practice and getting a hundred-and-twenty percent from each member of his team for Spring High. He diligently prepared for his move to Argentina, filling out sports scholarship applications, and taking Spanish lessons. Through all this, the box continued to rattle. It was perhaps the loudest on the night after losing to Karasuno in Spring Preliminaries a few weeks back. Still, Tooru persevered, not giving in, for he believed no good would come from it anymore. 

Tonight it took Iwaizumi Hajime just ten seconds to break the box and spill all its carefully curated contents everywhere around Tooru. As he mulled in his hurt and confusion, Tooru looked over at Hajime seated across the karaoke room with Matsukawa and Hanamaki. He was talking very seriously on the phone with someone, completely ignoring the commotion around him. He lightly smacked Hanamaki on the back of his head, signaling him to quiet it down. Tooru wondered who could invoke such a reaction. He drew a sharp breath and took his phone out of his pocket to shake off the envy creeping in his heart. 

_Oh Shit._ _2 missed calls, 3 texts._

One look at his phone’s notifications, and Tooru knew who was talking to Iwaizumi on the phone right now. He read the messages. 

_“Baka! pick up your phone” 5 min ago_

_“When will you be done?” 10 min ago_

_“Oka-san[1] asked me to give you guys a ride home after Karaoke. Can’t believe I have to chaperone two grown adults” 30 min ago _

He scrunched his nose, annoyed. The evening was being relentless. 

“Oye, Nee-chan[2] called me” Tooru looked up to see Hajime standing in front of him. “There was a major accident on route 45. The traffic is being rerouted, and the busses are either running late or canceled. Nee-chan said she will be reaching here in thirty minutes. We should all get going if we want to avoid getting stuck in traffic”

Hajime then went over to Watari and explained the situation. They checked the train and bus schedules on their phones and discussed plans of how to get everybody home. The party had almost run its course by then. Everybody had too much to eat already, and their voices were sore from singing. Kindaichi, Kunimi, and Yahaba volunteered to drop off the girls. The four seniors went up to the front desk to pay the dues. 

“Ara, Ara, these kids eat a lot,” Hanamaki said gloomily as he held the receipts in his hands. 

“You shouldn’t be the one talking! Remember last year? You made our senpais buy dessert after the Karaoke Bar” Matsukawa spoke, and Hanamaki grinned sheepishly. It was the Volleyball Club’s yearly tradition, where the outgoing batch of seniors took the team out for dinner and karaoke at the end of each year. 

The Aoba Johsai Volleyball Club and friends made their way to the ground floor lobby, and after a quick exchange of “thank-yous” and “good-nights”, the crowd dispersed into the streets of downtown. “Goodnight Cap! Goodnight Vice! Tell Onee-san[3] we said Hi” With these words, Hanamaki and Matsukawa also left for the night. Oikawa looked around and realized he and Hajime were the only ones waiting in the lobby. His Vice Captain was leaning against one of the pillars, maintaining a good distance from him. His green eyes were dark and his face inscrutable. They hardly shared any words beyond the necessary. Oikawa’s heart was beating so loudly, he feared Iwaizumi would hear it in this silent lobby. 

Fortunately, Tooru’s savior arrived within a few minutes in a Toyota minivan at the building entrance. Himari Oikawa rolled down the car window and waved at her brother and his best friend. He went around the car and sat in the front, while Hajime climbed into the backseat. Himari glanced over to her left[4], and in the rearview mirror to check if both the boys had their seatbelts on before revving the car into motion. 

Himari was ten years older than Tooru and has been the de-facto babysitter for both the boys since they were a few months old. Mr. and Mrs. Oikawa had tried for a second child for many years and had given up till Tooru arrived as a surprise late pregnancy. He was pampered by everyone in the family, and although Himari would complain and call Tooru a brat, she probably spoiled him the most. Like their parents, she too was guilty of relying on Hajime to keep Tooru’s childish recklessness in check, for Hajime always had an air of worldly wisdom about him. Himari wondered if it came with the job description of being the firstborn and the only child of the stoic Iwaizumis. 

She looked into the rearview mirror again and let out an involuntary sigh. Hajime was so silent, even his body refused to move and disturb the air around him. He was always a man of few words, but this was unusual even by his standards. On her left, Tooru was leaning on the window and pretending to be asleep. She had tried to initiate a conversation at the beginning but only received “Hmms” and nods from both of them. One could cut the tension inside the car with a knife. She was curious what might have led to this but held herself back from probing them right now. They will be fine, she reassured herself, it’s Hajime and Tooru after all. 

Through half-open eyes, Tooru looked outside the window listlessly. Blue and red police siren lights flooded the streets on their way back, and police officers were manually signaling vehicles at the intersections. The commotion outside resonated with his internal anxiety and made him twitch. He straightened himself and turned on the radio. It crackled and whirred till it found the local radio station.

_Early reports are in … zzz … grrr … The truck was speeding at over 80 km/hr when it crashed into the SUV at the Ogimachi Intersection … The SUV had jumped the red light, and was in the direct path of the truck … It is rumored that one of the victims is the heiress to … zzz … conglomerate … zzz…_

Tooru turned the radio off. Hearing about the accident definitely did not help him. He was glad when the car finally came to a stop at the Iwaizumis. Hajime thanked Himari and got out of the car. He bowed quickly before disappearing through the front door of his house. 

A few minutes later, Himari pulled the car into their garage and turned the engine off. She rotated the key out of the ignition, looked at her brother, and said, “Spit it out Tooru, what happened?”

Tooru was startled and stared at his sister like a deer caught in headlights. He slowly realized his cheeks were wet, and his raspy breath could be heard clearly in the silent garage. He quickly wiped his tears and said “I don’t know what to say Nee-chan” 

“Tooru, you have been crying since we dropped off Hajime. And he didn’t seem fine either. Talk to me,” she urged. 

Tooru took in a deep breath and deliberated. All his defenses are in ruins, the box named “Iwa-chan” was shattered, and there was broken glass around him. He wouldn’t be able to fix it alone this time. Tooru spoke barely above a whisper as he recounted the events as they transpired. In the end, he asked the question gnawing at his heart since evening, “Hey Nee-chan, does Iwa-chan hate me?” 

“Oh Toh-chan, I don’t think Hajime can hate you, even if he wanted to” Himari looked at her brother sympathetically. Even though Tooru acted like a know-it-all most of the time, he was still a clueless boy struggling with his first love. “Has Hajime ever mentioned that he likes boys?” she inquired.

Tooru shook his head in response. 

“He is scared, Toh-chan, just like you were in the beginning” 

His eyes widened at the realization. Himari continued to speak “And his family is … different. He must be terrified and confused. ” 

“Would I cause more trouble for him?” he asked.

Himari shook her head and replied, “I think he needs you, go talk to him, okay?”

“Hey, Nee-chan, what happens if Iwa-chan and I … Will Oka-san and Otou-san[5] be mad?” Tooru gulped, trying to swallow the lump of fear in his throat.

Himari placed her palms on both sides of his cheeks, gently squeezing them, and said “Tooru, never ever forget this, I, Oka-san and Otou-san, we will always love you. No matter who you fall in love with, and what you choose to do in your life.” She then gave a smile and added, “Besides, I already called dibs on the black sheep of the family” 

A burst of laughter echoed through the garage, lifting the gloom. “I love you, Nee-chan” Tooru gave a tight hug to Himari.

“I know, now go! I’ll come up with some excuse for Oka-san” She said, as she watched Tooru unlock the door, and get out of the van. “And Tooru, your feelings aside, remember to be a good friend first”

“Not fair, you always take his side” Tooru replied in a teasing tone, then smiled and ran down the street, to the house as familiar to him as his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1Oka-san: mother  [ return to text ]  
> 2Nee-chan: elder sister (casual, usually used for one's own sister) [ return to text ]  
> 3Onee-san : elder sister (formal, can be used for someone else's sister) [ return to text ]   
> 4In Japan, people drive on the left side of the road, and the steering wheel is on the right side of the car (opposite to USA), hence Tooru is on Himari's left. [ return to text ]  
> 5Otou-san: father [ return to text ]  
> 


	3. Catching up to you

21 December 2012   
Iwaizumi Residence, Tagajo, Miyagi

The lights were turned off and the curtains were drawn shut. A sliver of moonlight that had escaped from the folds of the fabric was losing its battle against the dark. Hajime closed his eyes and lowered his head. He pulled his knees closer to his chest, gripping his shins so tightly, his arms hurt. He wished to be swallowed in this darkness. He had held on to his secret for so long, it had turned into tar that enveloped his heart in a thick black gooey web. Tonight, it spread to every inch of his room like an oil spill and turned the atmosphere caliginous. 

When Hajime was twelve, he realized he was different, for he looked at boys, the way boys looked at girls. In his defense though, he had only looked at one caramel-eyed boy all his life. For most boys at the precipice of adolescence, they undergo the typical change from “Eww, girls are gross” to developing their first crushes as they transition from elementary to middle school. But, Hajime felt stuck in one place. He watched his friends pine over the girls in their school, all the while waiting and hoping that one day he could also see the world with the same rose-tinted glasses. 

However, Hajime’s first encounter with love was neither warm nor rosy, but the cold, swampy green of jealousy. It was the start of seventh grade at Kitagawa Daiichi, and their class was full of unfamiliar faces of new students who joined from different elementary schools in Miyagi. One day at lunch break, a girl from their class came over to Tooru’s desk. Hajime was already seated opposite Tooru, with their bento boxes placed in the middle of the narrow wooden desk. She offered Tooru a bento box wrapped in a colorful beeswax cloth and asked if he would have lunch with her. Hajime stared at the girl, and then back at Tooru, his mouth half-open, and his heart ready to jump out of his chest. 

Tooru smiled at her and suggested she join him and “Iwa-chan” instead. _It’s Iwaizumi._ He pulled her a chair. _There is no room for 3 bento boxes on this desk._ The girl offered Tooru a tuna mayo filled onigiri from her lunch box. She said she made it herself. Tooru’s eyes caught the afternoon sun and gleamed, as he grinned and took a bite. “Sahara-san, this is delicious!”. _You hate tuna mayo._

Irritation. This feeling followed him for days. He was confused as he didn’t understand why he was so angry. Till it hit him. He hated the way that girl looked at Tooru, all mesmerized, because he has been looking at his best friend like that all his life. He pieced together his anger, irritation, and jealousy, and realized he liked Tooru a lot. And that his heart wanted more than the status quo. 

Being worldly-wise, he had accepted his predicament. He could never ever talk about this to anyone. He rationalized that it wasn’t so bad, because the only boy he could ever love, was the one he could never have. He wanted Tooru’s life to be filled with light, where his volleyball dreams come true, he has a loving wife and children and is adored by everyone. He would never confess to Tooru and risk dragging him into his mess. 

So, he focussed on building a defense mechanism and tried to pull himself away from Tooru. However, despite his toughness, Hajime was still just a boy in love. So he let Tooru lean on him, place his lanky arms onto his own shoulders when they walked home. He let him cry in his chest when he was hurt, and sleep on his lap when he was tired. But Hajime kept his hands carefully tucked away, his lips pursed, and his eyes always averted. For he knew that if left unchecked, they would betray him. 

And he was right. His heart schemed a rebellion against the tyranny of the tar, and in a moment of weakness, it managed to trick all of his well-constructed defenses. When their lips touched for the first time this evening, Hajime was probably the more surprised of the two. 

And he was terrified when Tooru pulled him in for a second kiss, for that was the absolute worst-case scenario. It is much easier to keep a distance when your love is unrequited. You have full autonomy over such kind love, it is only yours to keep. But, with that one kiss, Tooru took away his unrequited love and replaced it with the impossible kind of love, from which one could never walk away. 

Suddenly, a tap on his window, and Hajime jolts up from his bed. He hears two more in quick succession. His heart drops, as he recognizes the signal. He pulls open the curtain, and moonlight floods his room, the clear night sky and the pristine snow cover amplifying the moon’s radiance. Hajime rubbed his eyes, trying to adjust to the new brightness. Outside, he sees Tooru, a little out of breath, the tips of his ears and nose turning red from the cold. The idiot is clearly underdressed for the weather.

He immediately opens his window and waves at him, “Get in quickly, I’ll kill you if you catch a cold”

Cold air rushed in, and a pair of trainers landed on the floor with a soft thud. Tooru walked over to the other side of the room and flicked the light switch on. He then leaned his back on the closed door, crossed his arms, and said, “Iwa-chan, I think we should talk.”

Tooru had gone over all the above steps at least a dozen times in his head. But even after a near-perfect execution, he found himself incredibly nervous. So he steadied his breath and looked right across at Hajime, who was now sitting straight on his bed, his legs on the ground, and his fingers interlaced on his lap. 

Hajime does not look him in the eye. Instead, he keeps his gaze fixed on the floor and wrings his hands together. “Look, I am sorry. You were crying … and I thought … actually, it doesn’t matter. I am really sorry I made you uncomfortable. I crossed a line, and I … “

“Do you regret it?” Tooru raises an eyebrow. “For once be honest with me Iwaizumi!” He slams his right fist on the wall. _Shit._ Impatience got the better of him.

Silence descended on the room, only to be broken by Hajime’s soft sobs. His face is now buried in his palms. “Please Tooru, forget it happened. You deserve better, and I don’t want to ruin it with my selfishness”

“Iwa-chan, what do you mean?” He slowly moved towards Hajime and kneeled next to him. He placed his hand reassuringly on his friend’s knee. 

The hair on the back of his neck prickled at the proximity, but Hajime knew there is no going back now. “I am wrong for you Tooru. I have these feelings for you, that I don’t understand. You are my best friend. We have spent all our lives together. It should be enough. But somehow it isn’t. I … want you more than a friend”

“Hajime …” Tooru extended his palm along Hajime’s face. His thumb gently wiped the wet cheek, and his fingers lifted the face closer to his. “You are not wrong for me, heck you are way beyond what I deserve” Tooru wanted to say so much more, but he held back. _Now is not the time._

His hand dropped, and he shuffled backward. He was now sitting cross-legged on the floor looking up at his Iwa-chan. “I think it is pretty amazing to be liked by Iwa-chan!” He gave a toothy grin, his twinkling eyes bearing the testament of his sincerity. 

“Stop fooling around Shittykawa!” Hajime aimed a Godzilla plushie at Tooru, which the setter received perfectly. Laughter gleamed through the room, conquering the darkness. 

Watching Hajime lighten up and smile, Tooru relaxed and laid down on his back. He closed his eyes and spoke in a lowered pitch, “Hey Iwa … you know … it’s still sinking in, that you like me back … that I wasn’t crazy all this time” 

_Like me back_. Hajime blinked in disbelief. When Tooru kissed him, he was too terrified to even entertain the possibility of reciprocation. He chalked it up to one of Tooru’s tricks, of how he disarms people with the unexpected. “What are you saying, Oikawa? You have always dated girls”

Tooru continued, with his eyes closed, carefully weighing every word. He remembered how he first told Himari, how warm her acceptance was, and how it flowed through and filled all the cracks in his heart that were caused by self-doubt. 

“No, I wouldn’t say I am gay. I do like girls. But, I still didn’t fit in the expected narrative, you know. Because I liked boys too. For the longest time, I didn’t understand why one form of relationship was so acceptable that it was okay for kindergartners to play pretend, while the other was taboo and never spoken about outside of taunts and jeers. Because, in my heart, there was no difference in how I liked boys and girls. So, I kept wishing for something to change”

“Like a switch to flip so that everything would make sense” Hajime interjected. 

“Yes, and I admit I was wrong. A little over two years back, I talked to Nee-chan for the first time about this. She said that I wasn’t the one that needed to change. And that Miyagi was too small for our aspirations.” Tooru paused, his voice almost choked. He heard Hajime’s footsteps come closer to him, “I am sorry Iwa-chan, I should have talked to you sooner. I was so caught up in my feelings, and figuring out if you liked me too, that I left you alone in this.” A tear escaped from the corner of his eye and trickled down. He turned to his right and saw that Hajime lying down beside him, knees tucked, looking up at the ceiling. 

“So what are we now?” Hajime whispered, he wasn’t sure if he wanted the answer to the question. 

Tooru intertwined his right fingers with Hajime’s left and brought their hands towards his mouth. He placed a quick kiss on the calloused hand of the spiker, and teased “A gay brute, and a very pretty bisexual boy!”

“You are really the worst, Shittykawa” Hajime lurched at Tooru, but the agile setter was already on his feet and halfway across the room, laughing with his hands at his waist.

Hajime watched Tooru rummage through his closet for pajamas. This boy was so picky about everything and definitely was not pleased with the limited collection of greys and dark blues in front of him. _Why did you pick me?_

“Iwa-chan, don’t try to think so much, your head will hurt” Tooru quipped as if he already read Hajime’s mind. He had changed into a white sleepshirt and grey pajamas that ended an inch above his ankle. “We really need to add more colors to your closet”

“Says the freeloader. Oye, what are you doing?” Hajime interrupted Tooru who was now slipping under the bedcovers. 

“Come on Iwa-chan, it is freezing outside. Don’t ask me to walk back home this late.” 

For a second, Hajime contemplated taking out the extra futon, then reasoned himself that it is perhaps too cold to sleep on the floor. He got into the bed himself and turned his back towards Tooru. He felt as if his skin was buzzing with static electricity. Every crumple of the sheet was amplified. This shouldn’t feel any different. They have slept together since they were babies. _Then why?_

“Iwa-chan, you are such a romantic” Tooru spoke, his words laced with mischief. 

“What is it now, Trashykawa,” Hajime asked. 

“You tricked me into kissing you under a mistletoe”

“I did what ..?”

“At the karaoke place, you were standing under the mistletoe, waiting for me, weren't you?”

“I did no such thing!”

“Well you did kiss me”

“I will smack you in the head”

“Such a meanie!!” 

And just like that, Tooru put Hajime at ease. If Tooru had a superpower, it would be called “Making Hajime less miserable by teasing him relentlessly”. It was such an oxymoron, yet it worked every time. Thus, like countless nights before, the two boys fell asleep, arms and legs entangled. But this was the first time in a long while when there was no knot in Hajime’s chest. He could hold Tooru freely, and breathe in his scent, without guilt or fear. Hajime would no longer need any excuses to be with Tooru.


	4. Her Brother's Keeper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mention of pregnancy, domestic violence

22 December 2012  
Oikawa Residence

One for the cup. One for the pot. Himari Oikawa measured two teaspoons of tea leaves into the steaming hot pot of water and left it to brew. It was the wee hours of a Saturday morning, and as the rich, earthy aroma of the tea filled the kitchen, Himari reminisced a fond childhood memory. 

Tooru was probably six years old and he had just returned from his elementary school one afternoon in a bad mood. He was pouting and being extra fussy as Himari tried to get him to take a bath. As both their parents were office workers, her sixteen-year-old self was in charge of her little brother in the afternoons. At last, she got him to sit still for a second by bribing him with some milk bread. Chewing on the white sliced loaf, he calmed down and sputtered “I hate playing House! All the girls want to be Iwa-chan’s wife”. He looked at her with large, brown eyes, brimful with tears, and said, “But I am Iwa-chan’s number one!”

Himari laughed loudly and assured her brother that he was definitely “Iwa-chan’s” number one even if the girls paired up with his best friend. Later that evening, Hajime came over to play with Tooru, like clockwork. Her dramatic brother did his pouting routine all over again, and made Hajime repeatedly promise that he would always be his “number one”. She admired the six-year-old Hajime’s patience, as he kept reassuring her emotionally fragile brother “You are my number one”. It looked like Hajime could say those words over and over for an eternity, and mean it each time. 

The timer chirped at five minutes. She strained the tea, now a rich orangish-gold color into an old mug with a chipped handle and faded colors. If one looked closely, they could make out a dark green monster chasing an oblong-shaped object, which was supposed to be a flying saucer. Hajime and Tooru had hand-painted this when they were eight as a farewell gift for their “Nee-chan” when she left home for college. She chuckled as she remembered how they argued for hours over who would win in the greatest battle ever, “Godzilla vs Aliens”. 

Morning light now started to fill the house, slowly illuminating every corner, unveiling more memories hidden in them. If asked to testify, this house would creak and rumble that the boys were two halves of the same whole[1], that Tooru’s world began with Hajime, and Hajime’s ended with Tooru. 

Himari rested her elbows on the table, drawing warmth from the mug placed between her palms. She knew too well the world outside wouldn’t be so kind to them. Their relationship would be scrutinized, and their dreams would be constantly shelled with doubts and criticism. She took in a long breath to steady her nervous heart, and as she let out a long exhale, she hoped this house would become their safe haven in the coming years, just like it had been for her. 

Ten years ago, an eighteen-year-old Himari flew out of the Oikawa nest and enrolled in Fine Arts at Tokyo University. As an Oikawa, she had been kissed by both beauty and intelligence. Deep amber hair cascaded down her hips and glittered in the sunlight as if interwoven with threads of gold. Her deep chocolate irises carried an insatiable curiosity of the world. 

In her first year of college, she met Mashimo, a senior and a rising star in the world of Clothing Design. Envied by his peers, Mashimo already had his first taste of success with the coveted opportunity to showcase his work on the runway in his junior year. Himari was immediately drawn to his dazzling world of desires and ambition. While Mashimo was equally enamored by her ability to experience the world so fully and quickly realized her potential to translate it into wearable art. It started as the muse and the mentor, but they soon collided like stars and were transfixed in each other’s orbits. At the end of her first year, Himari found out she was pregnant. And Mashimo, who had just graduated, proposed immediately. They were a young, exuberant couple, spinning so fast, the universe had become a blur. 

Five years later, Himari’s world came to a stop on the doorsteps of this house. It was raining heavily, the lightning and thunder reverberated like aftershocks of an implosion. She was standing with a three-year-old Takeru beside her. Her right hand held the umbrella over her son, whose tiny hand was firmly gripped in her left.

The next thing she remembered was sitting on her heels on the living room tatami. Her hair no longer reached her hips, instead, it landed short right below her ears. Rainwater dripped from her hair onto her shoulders and slowly pooled in between the straws of the mat. She was drenched, her damp clothes threatening to freeze her bones, but her heart had turned to ice long before the storm clouds gathered. She flinched when her parents embraced her in their arms. A sharp pain radiated from her left side. She thought it was her broken heart, the next morning she would find out it was a broken rib. That night, a thirteen-year-old Tooru fell asleep outside Himari’s old bedroom clutching a baseball bat.

The archivists would note that the moment Himari stepped into Mashimo’s orbit, the course for this collision was set. She was spiraling towards him and losing herself in the process. Her parents protested when she dropped out of college to marry Mashimo. _Complete your education Himari, we will look after your child._ Her father warned her when Mashimo started his own clothing store. _It’s our store, Otou-san_ . _It doesn’t matter if my name is not in the paperwork._ She repeated it to her father, and to herself.

There were warning signs from the start, but when did they become a blaring din. Was it when the balance sheets showed he was embezzling money from their business? Or when she found receipts of Dom Perignon and fancy hotel suites? The morning of the implosion, they were arguing, the reason no longer mattered. Himari felt weak and exhausted, years of orbiting around Mashimo had stripped her of all energy. It was the last stretch, and suddenly her body was thrown against the wall. A thud. A pause. The ringing in her ears stopped. Mashimo looked at her with no regrets, his hands still looming threateningly. She stood up, and left their house, never turning back. The rain clouds had started to gather by the time she picked Takeru from daycare. She bought meat buns, milk bread, and a one-way ticket for Sendai City. 

The separation and subsequent divorce were quiet and quick. There were no pieces left to pick up and bargain. Instead, Himari faced the arduous task of building herself from this void. She took her first step by changing her and Takeru’s family name back to Oikawa. During this time, the house muffled the whispers of their neighbors and shielded her from the ill-disposed curiosity of their relatives. When her bones ached, the wooden pillars supported her weight instead. This place welcomed her and Takeru back and filled their life with love and warmth. 

Now, she runs her own boutique, _Kintsugi_ [2], and although it is located on the ground floor of this suburban house in Miyagi, it draws crowds from Tokyo and beyond. Takeru now attends the same elementary school that she and her brother went to. Much to Tooru's delight, he is showing interest in volleyball lately. Her brother and her parents seamlessly filled the cracks in their life with so much more than her previous life could have ever offered. 

Click. Turn. Clack.

She hears the door unlock, and she turns her head to see the two boys walk in. Tooru had texted her last night that he would be staying over at Hajime’s. He was wearing the same clothes from last night. He gave her a quick wave and skipped towards his room. Hajime, on the other hand, was wearing a tracksuit, and lingered at the doorway, unsure of whether to follow Tooru to his room. “Good Morning Nee-chan!” Hajime said, blushing heavily, “Umm .. Tooru wanted to change his clothes” 

“Hey Hajime, come here” Himari called, gesturing to him to take a seat on the dining table beside her. 

After some hesitation, Hajime slipped out of his trainers and made his way to the kitchen. “I am sorry Nee-chan. Thank you for coming to pick us up last night”, he said softly. He was embarrassed by his behavior during their ride home. 

“Oh, that’s alright” Himari smiled. She rested her hand on his shoulder. She could see the self-doubt fueling a restlessness in his eyes. If only she could cast a protective spell around him. She gave a light tap, and said, “I want you to know something really really important okay?” She leaned in a little, “This will always be your home, and you will always be my little brother.”

She then shifted her shoulders back and closed her eyes, her posture a splitting image of Tooru. Her head tilting backward, she said, “I don’t know what you two will do in the future… But, you can always come back here, no matter where you are in life, and whether you two are together or not.” She then looked at him, and gave the warmest smile, “Because you are family, do not ever forget that”

Tears welled in Hajime’s eyes. This was the second time someone has accepted him wholeheartedly. He gave his Nee-chan a tight hug, and quietly muttered a “Thank you” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story about being Tooru wanting to be Iwa-chan's number one is modified from Gusari sensei's doujinshi [Ultramarine Photograph/Gunjou no Shashin](https://mangadex.org/chapter/1011867/1)  
> 1 This quote is paraphrased from Gusari sensei's doujinshi [Shufuku no Namae wa](https://mangadex.org/title/18709/haikyuu-shufuku-no-namae-wa-doujinshi) [ return to text ]  
> 2[ Kintsugi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi): The Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.  [ return to text ]


	5. Rules of Engagement

22 December 2012  
Miyagi

Morning runs were an essential part of the Oikawa-Iwaizumi training ritual. When they first started playing volleyball in elementary school, Iwaizumi and Oikawa quickly realized that stamina was the only thing that kept the ball in play. They devised their own fitness regimen, determined to be the ones standing on the court the longest. As they started playing competitively in middle school, and later on at Aoba Josai, they had coaches and athletic trainers to modify and further improve their routine. However, their morning run remained unchanged as the foundation of their discipline. 

Tooru would meet Hajime outside his house every day at dawn, and they would circle around the neighborhood, clocking anywhere between five to ten miles. The only time either of them would miss it was if they were injured or sick. Be it school days, exam days, practice off days, holidays, their morning ritual remained the same. Clearly, events like coming out to your best friend and getting confessed to by the love of your life are not sufficient for a day off. 

Hajime slowed his pace to stabilize his heart rate that was beating way faster than usual. His athletic heart was not used to this new feeling. Everything around him was a shade brighter, as if Tooru had walked into his dimly lit heart, pulled aside the heavy curtains, and had blown away years of dust that had collected on his one-sided love. At this moment, even though he was out of breath from the sprint, Hajime felt he could breathe a lot easier.

“Iwa-chan! Having a hard time catching up?” Tooru shouted. He was already in the middle of the footbridge over the canal. Hajime grunted and picked up his pace. He finally stopped a few steps short of Tooru who was now resting over the rails. 

“Looks like you are the one who is tired, Kawa” Hajime retorted. He stood beside Tooru and looked down at the semi-frozen stream. The floating ice sheets masqueraded a stillness, but one could see the turbulent flow revealing itself through cracks. 

“I think we should date, without any promises, like selection trials,” Tooru said. 

“What do you mean trials? Do you think this is volleyball club selection, dumbass?” Hajime was puzzled.

“Well, let’s look at the facts. I like you. And you like me too. Also, as school ends, we will inevitably be separated geographically,” Tooru added matter-of-factly.

“Don’t go around assuming things about me,” Hajime said hoarsely, trying to mask the panic rising in his throat. _School ends in three months._ He had forgotten how little time they had left. 

“So, you don’t like me?” Tooru seemed amused. 

“I mean, yes I do, but I am not sure... I mean I have never dated anybody, and we already spend so much time together. Would dating even change anything?” Hajime tried to make a recovery, but at this point, it was a lost cause.

“As someone with lots of experience, I can tell you it changes many things. Though you don’t need to worry, just leave it all to me,” Tooru gave his signature wink and grin. 

Hajime tried to scrutinize the smiling face in front of him. It is an _almost_ genuine smile, that made tiny wrinkles at the corner of the eyes but was unable to fully light them up. So he stopped himself from telling Tooru that he did not understand how to date without promises, or what even was a trial period. _Maybe this is for the best._ Instead, he asked the most procedural thing he could think of at the moment, “So, what do we tell others?”

Tooru shrugged, “Nothing.”

“Are you okay with that?” Hajime countered. 

“Are you ready to tell?” 

Hajime expected this question. He knew why Tooru suggested they do not tell anyone. He replied, “Umm… no … I haven’t even come out to my parents, I know they won’t take it well..” His words became inaudible as his voice slowly choked. 

“So we tell nobody, not until you are ready.” Tooru steps in front of Hajime, hands on his waist, and teases “Unless Iwa-chan wants to tell everyone what a great catch I am!” 

“Can’t argue with that, Shittykawa” Hajime circled his arm around Tooru’s waist and pulled him closer. Although Hajime was almost three inches shorter than Tooru, right now, he was standing on the raised embankment of the handrails, bringing him to Tooru’s eye level. He kissed Tooru, this time without hesitation, letting go only when they ran out of breath to share. 

\---

Blue and yellow stripes would blur into one another, then separate out, as the volleyball spun and came to a stop repeatedly between the calloused palms of Oikawa Tooru. The setter was in his chair, slightly hunched over, his laptop screen glowing dimly on the desk in front of him. This was perhaps the fiftieth time he was reading this email. The sheer joy he experienced the first time had now weathered and was replaced by an increasing apprehension for the future.

The email began with the perfunctory congratulations for admission into San Juan U21 Volleyball Training School.

_We accept trainees at the beginning of each quarter. As a summer admit, you have the option to select your start date: April 1, 2013, or July 1, 2013_

Three months or six months. His time in Miyagi was coming to an end.

_As a student of our academy, you are also eligible for try-outs at several top pro-volleyball clubs starting November this year. You are advised to join early, to maximize your training duration before selections begin for the 2014 season._

Tooru hated that they gave him a false sense of choice. He was not a genius, thus he cannot stop pushing the limits of his abilities. Not when Ushijima Wakatoshi is already playing Japan U19, and Kageyama Tobio is evolving so fast. Aoba Josai’s defeat at the hands of Karasuno in Spring High Preliminaries sealed Tooru’s fate in Japan. He never made it to the Nationals in his six years of school volleyball, and continuing to stay here would only stifle him further. 

He had decided the next step in his evolution must be training under Jose Blanco, one of the greatest setters in volleyball. He was prepared to follow Blanco anywhere in the world, and right now that meant moving to Argentina, and finding a place for himself in UPCN San Voley Club, the pro-volleyball club currently coached by the living legend. The San Juan Training School was his best shot at November try-outs. Rationally it made perfect sense to reply _“Preferred start date: Monday, April 1, 2013”_. Then why has he read this email over fifty times in the past three days, and each time there is a growing unexplained ache in his chest? 

Volleyball has always come first to Tooru. He would skip out on class plays and school festivals as he deemed any school activity other than volleyball club practice a pointless exertion. He missed birthday parties and was often late to family gatherings. His dating experience was just him relenting to a particularly persistent fangirl, who would later dump him within a month. They complained that Oikawa would never prioritize anyone or anything above volleyball. And he believed they were right, that every time he had to choose between volleyball and something else, it would be an easy choice. 

Except he was wrong. He had yet to experience choosing between volleyball and Iwaizumi Hajime. His childhood best friend, his ace, his vice-captain, Hajime always fit into these roles in perfect harmony with his passion for volleyball. It would be naive to say he did not anticipate their separation at the end of high school. However, he always relegated this as an act of fate or circumstance. He did not realize he would be the one deciding the exact moment they part. 

This morning, Iwaizumi Hajime was no longer his ace, nor his vice-captain. Instead, he was standing in front of Tooru, hands outstretched, hoping to be his love. His boyfriend? His partner? What kind of love could he give Hajime, if he is struggling right now to give him even three months. _Maybe this is for the best._

The volleyball drops on the floor with a gentle thud and rolls across his room. Oikawa straightens his back and composes two messages. The first is an email to San Juan U19 Volleyball Training School. The second is a text to Iwaizumi. 

_“Meet me at the Coffeehouse. 5 pm. It is a date xoxo <3” _

  
  



	6. Vellichor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ **vellichor**](https://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/57250260260/vellichoria)  
>  _noun_. the strange wistfulness of used bookstores, which are somehow infused with the passage of time

22 December 2012  
The Coffeehouse, Tagajo, Miyagi

Iwaizumi Hajime found himself in a perplexing predicament. He was wearing a white hoodie and black slacks. This sweatshirt was the least worn and the nicest piece of clothing in his closet right after dress shirts reserved for interviews and weddings. He mostly avoided wearing white because he never liked worrying about his clothes getting dirty. Even the black slacks were an upgrade from his usual denim or track pants. He had also switched out his over worn blue jacket for a grey double-breasted coat. _Was this too much? Or too less? What do you even wear on a date with Oikawa Tooru?_

The Oikawa Tooru he knew till yesterday was his childhood best friend who saw him every day in gym clothes covered with sweat and grime. The current version, however, is his date at this quaint coffee shop that doubled as a store for second-hand books. Unlike most restaurants, this was not situated in a busy marketplace. Instead, it stood inconspicuously in this quiet neighborhood of traditional Japanese homes. His eyes peered through the windows of the shop. He could only make out a tall silhouette, that was gliding across the main hall, between tables and patrons, with the ease of a ballerina. All of sudden, a rush of warm air greeted him,

“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa Tooru stood at the entrance, one hand pushing the sliding door open, the other outstretched towards Hajime. He was dressed in plaid pants and a burgundy turtleneck. An olive green coat loosely hung on his shoulders, and he looked like he had walked straight out of a magazine cover. 

Hajime felt a pang of sympathy towards all the girls who dated Oikawa. It was futile to try and match up with his effortless style. 

The smell of spices and old books immediately hit his nostrils, as Tooru led him through the store. Strangely, it pulled on to the thread of a memory long lost. Lately, most of his memories with Oikawa smelled of air salonpas[1], given how intense volleyball practice has been the last six months. This place, however, was trying to bring back something from much further down the memory lane.

Tooru pulled out a chair and offered to take his coat. As he slipped out of his outerwear, his date remarked “Iwa-chan your outfit is a ten on ten! Is my influence rubbing off on you finally? ”

“Brattykawa, can you even give a compliment without praising yourself?” Hajime replied.

“Ahh, there’s my brutish Iwa-chan. I was checking if an alien stole your body,” Tooru smiled, hanging the coat on the back of the chair, “Seriously Iwa, you look good, you should dress up more often” 

“Didn’t have a reason before” Hajime mumbled under his breath.

Tooru let out a chuckle of satisfaction and settled into the chair opposite to him. Their eyes met and Tooru held his gaze ever so gently like balancing a feather on the tip of a finger. Suddenly, he found himself at a loss for words. He had previously met Tooru in coffee shops and ice cream parlors a thousand times. The space between them would easily fill with talks of volleyball, assignments, and friends. Tooru’s eyes would sparkle as he would tell the newest piece of gossip, often from Aoba Josai, and sometimes from other schools in the prefecture. Hajime would pretend not to care but secretly enjoyed them. Should he talk about these things? If that is what people talk about in dates, can he count those as dates? Something has to be different this time, right?

“Mad Dog seems to be growing fonder of Yahaba-kun these days” Tooru spoke, breaking the silence between them. 

“We can talk about the club?” Hajime blurted. 

Tooru gave him a puzzled look.

“I wasn’t sure what we could talk about on a date,” Hajime looked down with hesitation and awkwardly fiddled with his fingers.

“What did Iwa-chan want to talk about?” Tooru inquired.

Hajime shrugged and replied, “I don’t know, I like talking about the usual things with you, but you probably expect some romantic stuff” 

“Oh Iwa, we can talk like usual, the difference is now I can do this” Tooru reached his hands across the table and lightly intertwined their fingers.

Hajime blushed, he let Tooru’s fingers linger on his for a while, before shyly rescinding his hand.

Tooru continued talking about his new observational findings, supposedly from last night at the Karaoke bar. Slowly the nervousness melted away, replaced by the warmth of the fireplace.

A matronly woman served their food. A black coffee for Tooru, a hot chocolate for Hajime, and crispy egg rolls to share. At one point, Tooru leaned in casually to wipe the line of hot chocolate from Hajime’s upper lip. Light touches. Lingering glances. Hajime could feel his chest decompress, his heart expanding with love and longing, and everything else that was previously shelved away.

“Winter at Kurihara” Hajime spoke abruptly, “This place, the scent of old books, and .. cinnamon and cloves” 

Tooru, who was in the thick of one of his tales, paused at this unexpected interjection. He slowly realized what Hajime meant, and a smile spread across his face. “You think so too? I came here once before with Nee-Chan, and I told her the same thing. This place reminded me of Jiji’s reading room.”

The memory buried six winters ago was gradually returning in bits and pieces. It was the start of winter break, and Hajime and Tooru were in sixth grade, the last year of elementary school. In a few days, the Oikawas would leave for Kurihara, a small city in northwestern Miyagi. It was their ancestral home, where Tooru’s grandparents lived. 

Usually, in situations like these, where the two boys would be separated for more than a week during family trips, Tooru would be the one sulking for days. This time, however, Hajime was the one with teary eyes. It was due to a rather distressing conversation that Hajime had recently overheard. Mrs. Oikawa had told his mother that Tooru might be attending Shiratorizawa Academy for middle school. It was the best private school in Sendai City and famous for having many Olympians as their alumni. Attending Shiratorizawa would be good for Tooru’s volleyball career, Mrs. Oikawa stated. 

Like most students in his elementary school, Hajime knew he would be attending Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High, a reputable public school in their prefecture. It had a strong sports record but always fell short of Shiratorizawa. 

Hajime did not want to attend middle school without Tooru. And he definitely did not want to spend ten days apart from his best friend while knowing that they might end up going to different schools very soon. Hajime was determined to spend the winter break with Tooru. Two days before the trip, he mustered all his courage and asked Mrs. Oikawa, with tears in his eyes, “Oba-san, can I come too, please?” 

Mrs. Oikawa was surprised, but she happily agreed, “Sure my dear, Tooru would be delighted!” Although, Mrs. Iwaizumi needed some convincing. “Hitomi-chan! You are spoiling the kids. Stuck to the hip, those two!” she complained to Mrs. Oikawa, who reassured her that having the boys together meant less trouble for both the mothers. 

Thus, Hajime tagged along with the Oikawas, to this city nestled at the foothills of the Ou mountains. Winter had enveloped the city in a cold mist, and it was too chilly to play outside. In a way, it worked in favor of Hajime, who wanted to avoid talking about volleyball and middle school during this trip. Instead, they spent all their time snuggled between books in a huge reading room. Tooru’s grandfather, or Jiji as Tooru lovingly called him, had a penchant for collecting books, and he built this hall with walls made of bookshelves, from floor to ceiling. Some of the books were even older than Jiji, handed down over generations. Between yellowed pages, held together by frayed spines, the two boys found stories of adventures in faraway lands, and forgotten pasts. Each morning, Tooru’s grandmother brewed a sweet herbal tea from ginger, cinnamon, cloves, and other spices, that she believed would ward off the cold. Tooru and Hajime would fill their flasks and spend their days sipping on tea, with their imaginations crafting wondrous escapades. 

In the end, Tooru never went to Shiratorizawa, not in middle school, and not even in high school when they offered him a full scholarship.

“Hey Tooru, I know why you didn’t go to Shiratorizawa in High School, but why did you pick Kitagawa Daiichi for middle school?” Hajime finally asked after all these years. 

“I wanted to play volleyball with you, Iwa-chan” Tooru replied without skipping a beat.

“Huh?” Hajime was surprised by the quick reply, “Seriously Oikawa, attending Shiratorizawa in middle school would have made things different for you now, don’t you wonder?”

“Different yes, better I don’t think so” Tooru answered. “I fell in love with volleyball because of the people I got to play with. Maki, Mattsun,” he paused before adding, “and you, Iwa. Whenever I got too wrapped up in winning and losing, you reminded me that volleyball is fun”

“Well I am glad you stayed, you are the best setter any ace could ever wish for” Hajime replied, his eyes glistening in the soft glow of sunset. 

That evening, Tooru and Hajime walked home, their fingers brushing against each other multiple times, but the streets were filled with familiar faces from their neighborhood. At times, when they would find themselves in a vacant street, their fingers would interweave, savoring the few moments of privacy, letting go at the first sound of new footsteps.

Soon Hajime found himself at the doorsteps of his home. It was dark now, and the streetlights cast a pale yellow sheen on the surroundings. 

“Hey Iwa-chan,” Tooru inched closer, their foreheads gently touching, “thank you for coming today, see you soon, okay?”

“Okay,” Hajime whispered. His heart was thrumming like a hummingbird, and his hands sweating in his pockets. He pressed his forehead, wishing for this moment to last a little longer. 

The front door opened, and Tooru abruptly stepped backward “Good Evening Oba-san! See you on Christmas!” He bowed to a smiling Mrs. Iwaizumi who was standing at the door. He waved them good-bye and turned around, walking to his home just two blocks away. 

Hajime stood there and watched Tooru till he disappeared around the corner. He felt the same yearning as his twelve-year-old self, except this time Kurihara was halfway across the world. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Air Salonpas is a popular pain relieving ointment featured multiple times in Haikyuuverse. It is used to treat sport injuries. [link](https://sg.hisamitsu/products/list012.html) [ return to text ]
> 
> P.S. Their date outfits from this [tweet](https://twitter.com/FawkesRoy/status/1353063747502260225)


	7. Starlight

Christmas Eve, Dec 24, 2012   
Oikawa Residence

The sun was closer to the horizon, and its mellow glow permeated through the main living area. The stillness belied the cacophony of voices that rang through this place just an hour ago. 

_Somewhere far away  
The sleigh bells ring  
I remember  
When we used to sing  
Silent night, Holy night[1] _

Himari hummed a song, as she packed up the last of the leftovers and put them in the refrigerator. This should take care of those late-night cravings for at least a week, she thought. 

It was a long-standing tradition between the two families to celebrate Christmas Eve together. The Oikawas would invite the Iwaizumis over for lunch, and Oka-san would prepare days in advance for this feast. The desserts would be made the night before, and early in the morning, Otou-san would bring the freshest catch from the wholesale fish market at the shipping yard. After lunch, her father would take out the expensive sake, exclusively saved for this occasion, and the four parents would retire to the reading room for the rest of the evening. 

Himari, along with Tooru and Hajime, would clear out the center space of the living room, and set up the kotatsu. She was now old enough to join the adults, however, years of babysitting the other two had led to a tradition of their own. The trio would play cards and board games late into the night. Takeru would insist on playing and would sit right beside Himari. However, he would always fall asleep in her lap before the completion of the first round itself. 

This year though, things will be a little different, Himari thought and smiled to herself. She had seen the two boys share nervous glances towards each other all afternoon, their ears turning red at the mention of the other’s name. No one would believe that those two dorks have known each other even before either knew how to crawl. 

“Nee-chan, should I set up the kotatsu now?” Hajime asked. He had already cleared out the coffee table at the center of the room and was ready to stow it away.

“No need Hajime, we are going out today” Himari replied. “Let’s go, I will see you both in the driveway” she added, throwing a quick glance at Tooru who could no longer conceal his excitement. 

Hajime swiveled his head across the room to see Tooru smiling ear to ear. “What’s happening?” he asked, utterly confused. 

“Iwa-chan, it is a surprise! Now let’s go!” Tooru exclaimed and dashed towards the open door. 

\---

The Toyota minivan came to a halt in front of the Mall in downtown Sendai City. The car doors unlocked with a click from the driver’s side. “Have a fun night, lovebirds, and remember, if you need a ride home, do not call me” Himari declared. 

Hajime blinked cluelessly. Up until this point, neither of the Oikawa siblings had given him any hint of what was going on. 

“Hajime, I am leaving you in the hands of Tooru. I may have other plans this evening, " she added, before driving away, leaving both the boys standing in front of downtown’s Christmas themed open-air market. It took him a moment to register his surroundings, and his heartbeat rose as he realized Tooru’s plan. 

Christmas eve is considered the most romantic night of the year, even beating Valentine’s Day and White Day in popularity among couples. The crowd in front of them was almost exclusively young couples, holding hands and mesmerized in their own bubbles. It was easy to go completely unnoticed in such a gathering. Tooru reached for Hajime’s hand, and with their fingers interlaced, they stepped into the crowd. 

The street was transformed into a magical fairyland, the tiny LED lights created the illusion that a galaxy of stars has decided to descend upon this small stretch of road just for one night. The smell of fried chicken floated in the air, mixed with the saccharine sweetness of cakes, and muffins. 

Hajime leaned closer to Tooru, their arms now looped into each other. He held a piece of strawberry shortcake in his free hand. Tooru would scoop a bite with his spoon, alternatingly feeding himself and Hajime. Right here, at this moment, they were no different from any other couple.

After meandering through the fair, they reached one of the endpoints, which overlooked a beautiful artificial lake, adorned with fountains. It was quieter, and perhaps a little more secluded.

“So umm… I got something for you” Tooru spoke, his eyes darting downwards. It was so unusual to see him flustered. He revealed a small rectangular box from the inner pocket of his blazer and handed it over. 

Hajime flipped open the box. A black fountain pen rested in a red velvet inlay. The Aoba Johsai VBC slogan, “Rule the Court”, was laser etched in the lower body. What caught his eyes were the kanji inscriptions on the golden clip.

“It says dauntless. You are going to be a big nerd now, studying sports medicine in the States. So I got you a custom fountain pen for all your homework and exams” Tooru said. 

Hajime knew what it meant, but what struck him was how it was inscribed using the kanjis of their names. He stared at the pen motionless, till his vision was blurred with tears. “Thanks … this means a lot” his voice was cracking up. Tooru lifted a teardrop of his cheeks with his index finger and pulled him in for a hug. 

“Oh shoot, I just realized I didn’t get you anything” Hajime stammered as he realized how unprepared he was at this moment. 

“Hey, I planned it as a surprise for you, Iwa, so you don’t have to get me anything” Tooru reassured him.

“Come on, let’s get you something from here, ” he insisted, “I want you to have something as well, you know … to remember our first Christmas”

Tooru thought for a while, then spoke with a smile, “Okay! You are the best, Iwa-chan!” 

Hajime watched the lanky setter navigate through the bustling crowd, his height letting him tower over most people, as he checked out various vendors. 

“Hey, check this out!” Tooru was standing in front of a bespoke jewelry vendor, waving his left hand. On his wrist was an oxidized silver bracelet, with a lone oblong jade stone set in the middle. The jade was a dusty green color, with flecks of brown. Under the bright lights though, the brown impurities glowed a beautiful amber. 

“Okay, hey look there are others with a shinier green color. The jade on that one isn’t very green” Hajime examined other bracelets on display.

“Nope, I want this one" Tooru insisted.

"Are you sure? Why not this one, look it shines like a real emerald" Hajime was confused by his odd choice.

"Because it’s the color of your eyes” Tooru smiled victoriously, like a kid who caught his first butterfly. 

Hajime was dumbstruck for a moment. He envied how easily Tooru could express his affection, without hesitation, without a lump in his throat. Maybe someday, he would have the audacity. For now, he shoved his hand into his pocket and took out his wallet. He then counted the bills and handed them over to the seller. 

“Thanks, Iwa-chan, I will always cherish this one” Tooru beamed, his angelic smile infusing courage into Hajime. He moved closer, the gap between them barely a few inches. He could feel the warm puffs of exhaled air on his cheeks. 

“Oh shoot, it’s already time” Tooru glanced at his watch and exclaimed.

“Time for what?” Hajime slipped his hand back into his pocket.

“Our next stop, the Christmas special light and sound show” Tooru waved two tickets that have now magically appeared in his hands.

“How did you get the tickets for those, they sell out weeks in advance?” Hajime asked in disbelief. 

“Oh the city council sends Nee-chan these tickets every year since she was listed among the Top Creatives in the Southern Tohoku region,” Tooru explained, as they briskly walked to the location printed on the stubs. 

They soon arrived at a large arena, overlooking the same lake as before. Hajime noticed that they were now on the other side this time. A temporary stage stood in the front, blocking the view of the water. The opening act was nearing its end by the time the two made it to the front row. It was a local music band playing covers of popular Christmas songs. Hajime saw the posters of headliners, and their name evoked a faint sense of familiarity. Maybe he had heard them on Tooru’s iPod. He looked around and saw the concrete steps filled with people till the very top. Even though it was the middle of winter, the place didn’t feel cold anymore. 

“You really are something, Oikawa Tooru” Hajime spoke, startling Tooru who gave him an utterly blank stare, “Huh?” 

“This, everything in the past few days, feels like a dream. How do you do it?” It was true. Hajime had felt like he had been transported to an alternate universe. Three days back when he agreed to Tooru’s proposal, he walked into this without any expectations. To not have to hide a part of himself from Tooru was more than enough for him. But everything Oikawa Tooru touches transforms into gold. From their first date in The Coffeehouse to this meticulously planned Christmas date, and all the in-between romantic texts and gestures, it was a waking dream for him. 

Tooru placed a hand on his hip and mimicked a sigh, “Well, I have an important responsibility. I am setting the standards for dating you, Iwaizumi Hajime. Promise me you won’t date a slob after me. I have a reputation to keep after all” 

“Oye, don’t get too ahead of yourself, Braggykawa” he retorted. 

“I am not, you will soon meet someone worthy of you, Iwa-chan. Someone who would sail the seven seas to be with you. Someone who will stay.” Tooru replied.

“Wait, I am sorry, I didn’t mean it that way,” he faltered, he hadn't realized the painful implications of Tooru’s words.

“Iwa-chan, look, it’s starting” Tooru interrupted Hajime mid-sentence, and pointed to the pitch-black sky above.

With a loud crackling, a few dozen fireworks launched simultaneously, and music played from the loudspeakers in perfect synchronization with this celestial shower of shooting stars. The arena would go momentarily dark in between bursts of red, green, and blue, and in these flickering lights, Oikawa Tooru looked almost ethereal. Hajime worried that if he blinked, the boy in front of him would disappear. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 English Translated Lyrics of Christmas Eve by Tatsuro Yamashita [full song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9Vlns7_poc) [ return to text ]
> 
> I was inspired by the Violet Evergarden Brooch scene. Hajime has green eyes in the anime, and Japan is known for its Jade reserves. If you got the reference while reading, leave a comment fellow violet evergarden fans :D the scene's youtube [link](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzoGNviKFR4)


	8. Mirrorball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mention of anxiety, implied panic attack

December 2012  
Oikawa Residence

The muted whirring of the DVD player was occasionally interrupted by the scratching of a ballpoint nib on cheap notepad paper. The fluctuating lights of the 24-inch color television were the only source of illumination in the room. 

For an eighteen-year-old boy, Oikawa Tooru’s room was rather lackluster, especially against his flamboyant personality. There were no signs of posters, games, or magazines, the typical possessions for a boy of his age. Instead, a neatly made futon on one corner of the room, and a study desk and chair in another. A small bookshelf displayed his school books. 

There were a few odd pieces of personal memorabilia placed neatly on the topmost shelf. The first was an overturned picture frame. It contained a beetle preserved in amber that Hajime had caught as a child. All kinds of arthropods made him squeamish, yet he kept this odd gift he received from Hajime when they were kids. The next was a jockstrap, which looked like it belonged to a child. It was neatly folded in a clear plastic wrapping. It contained the washed out, barely visible signature of Oikawa's volleyball idol Jose Blanco. How and why he managed to get a star volleyball player to sign on a jockstrap is a story for another time. The most recent addition was the golden plaque set in wood. The engravings read “Best Setter, Miyagi Prefecture, Junior High Spring, 2009”.

Tooru was seated in front of the television, watching the recorded match between two relatively unknown junior schools at the Miyagi Spring Junior High Preliminaries. Neither of the teams made it to the top eight in the prefecture, and yet he was reviewing this rather mediocre match. “Shrimpy, look what you've done now,” Tooru thought out loud. 

The meteoric rise of Karasano’s Number 10, Hinata Shouyou, caused ripple effects in the selection process of powerhouse high schools. The old system favored powerhouse junior high schools with winning legacies, but Hinata Shouyou came from a school without a volleyball club, and changed the fate of Karasuno High, taking them to the Nationals.

Coach Irihata decided to scout the so-called non-performing schools as well, in the hopes of finding talent that is wanting to be honed. He had asked Tooru and Hajime to review the playstyle of shortlisted applicants at Aoba Johsai. Tooru would have liked to tell him that naturally gifted players like Hinata appear once in a generation, and there is really no use in reviewing every match of the Junior High Spring Preliminaries. Such players don’t need to be scouted, the limelight follows them. 

_Those who possess something that surpasses you have been on a different level since the moment they were born._

The room started to get cold, and the familiar fear and anxiety eclipsed his heart. In three years he failed six times to go to the Nationals, yet Kageyama Tobio and Hinata Shouyou are going to Tokyo in their first year. Kageyama was selected for the U19 All-Japan training camp this December. The stage where he so badly desires to stand on, both Kageyama and Ushijima would reach there before him. The ringing in his ears increased, and his hands began to get clammy from cold sweat. 

_Talent is something that blossoms, wisdom is something you hone._

He repeated it to himself till he steadied his breath. Often his anxiety swept over him like an unexpected wave, leaving him gasping for air, his eyes and nostrils burning in the salty water. On good days, his feet were still on the shifting sands, firmly digging their heels. But, there were days when the wave swept him in, and he found himself paddling furiously in a vast directionless ocean, struggling to keep his head above the water. 

“Hey, I got food,” Hajime opened the door with one hand, his other hand carefully balancing a tray with two bowls of steaming miso soup. “How many of those matches are left? What did I miss?” he asked as he placed the tray on the table. 

“Not much, I fast-forwarded the second set, although, in the third set the two liberos weren’t too bad” Tooru replied with a smile.

“What’s wrong Kawa?” Hajime inquired. It was scary how well he could sense the smallest signs of distress. Tooru was caught off-guard.

“I just missed you, Iwa-chan,” he grabbed Hajime’s hand, pulling him to the ground.

“Oye, I was gone only for fifteen minut-” Hajime found himself lying on top of a giggling Tooru, who tightly wrapped his arms around his torso. 

“What about the soup?” Hajime asked, but Tooru had already rolled him over on his back and was now sitting on top of him, pinning him between his thighs. 

“Uff, Iwa-chan, you are hopeless” he laughed as he peppered a dozen kisses all over Hajime’s face and neck. 

Even in his worst nightmares, where Tooru was lost at sea, his head bobbing up and below the dark waters, Hajime was the tugboat pulling him towards the shore. He was the lighthouse on the stormiest nights, and on clear, sunny days he was the hand that steadied Tooru when the sand shifted beneath his feet with the retreating wave. 

Hajime was everything Tooru wanted, but, he knew his Iwa-chan deserved so much more. And definitely more than a long-distance relationship with a boy whose future was utterly uncertain. How long would he stay in Argentina, where will he go next? What else would he have to give up just to stand on that stage once? 

When Tooru learned that Hajime wanted him, he gave every inch of himself, all at once. There was a sense of trepidation and urgency in the way they touched each other. The desire to savor each sensation clashed with the hunger for more. They danced inside an ephemeral bubble, where they couldn’t promise their futures, so they surrendered their present instead. 

\---

January 1, 2013, 5:00 am local time  
Iwaizumi Residence

An almost full moon had now settled itself in the western horizon. Its last shift of the old year was coming to an end. The sky was pitch black, and the town was covered in silence. This was Tooru’s favorite time, in between the midnight celebrations and morning shrine visits. It was the quietest time on the first day of each year. Too late for the party revelers who were drunk and asleep by now. And still too early for the folks on their annual pilgrimage. 

Tooru drew a sharp breath as he tucked his knees closer to his chin. The chill in his bones refused to leave, even though he vigorously rubbed his arms together. 

“Give me your hands,” Hajime spoke. He was sitting beside Tooru on the roof of his house. He took the cold hands, and gently blew his warm breath, “Better?”

Tooru nodded silently. 

“Are you ready to tell me what’s on your mind?” Hajime followed up.

Tooru was surprised, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I noticed that you have been meaning to tell me something this past week. Hanging sentences, awkwardly changing topics” Hajime replied. 

It was true, there was something Tooru had to tell Hajime, but he never found the right time. Maybe, there never will be. “Ohh .. so the thing is I accepted the offer from San Juan Training School” he spoke with hesitation.

“That’s awesome news dumbass! When does the session start?” Hajime’s smile beamed with pride for his partner. 

“The first of April” Tooru answered, keeping his eyes on the cold, hard tiles beneath him

“Oh, so soon,” an inflection of sadness in Hajime’s voice.

“They gave me the choice to start from April or July, I selected April” Tooru spoke, he had to be completely truthful. 

“Makes sense, aren’t the tryouts for the new season in November?” Hajime’s voice was back to being calm and collected. 

“I am sorry Iwa-chan, if I picked July, we would have more time together” Tooru could only hope that Hajime understood that his decision was not an easy one. 

“If you picked July, I would have kicked your ass so hard, you would have landed in San Juan by now” Hajime replied curtly. 

Tooru was taken aback, “Huh? Are you so eager to get rid of me, Iwa-chan?” 

_Tack!_

“Owie! that hurts” Tooru rubbed his forehead where Hajime had just flicked him. 

“I have said this before, but I’ll say this again. You are the best setter, and I want you to be the brightest star in volleyball. I want everyone, Ushiwaka, the Japan Selection Committee, the volleyball magazines who wrote you off after Spring High, everyone who ever doubted you to see how brilliant you are. If that means going to Argentina, then hell yeah!”

Tears welled in Tooru’s eyes. He threw himself into the open arms and wept quietly. 

Hajime gently patted his back, “Shush … Japan is too small for your dreams. You were made to soar the skies. You are incredible, and … Tooru, I lo-” 

“Don’t say it Iwa-chan, I won’t be able to leave if you say it” Tooru pleaded softly. 

“Baka-kawa!” Hajime tightened his grip and held him closer. 

Tooru couldn’t remember how long they held each other on that cold roof. “Hey, don’t doze off .. you would get hypothermia. I’ll be back in a minute” he heard Hajime’s words, and suddenly the warmth around him was gone. He knew what he was giving up for volleyball, and it was turning his bones to ice. He wondered how long his bones could pull the weight of his ambitions before they shatter completely.

As promised, Hajime returned almost immediately, equipped with blankets and heating pads. He sat behind Tooru, enclosing him between his legs and arms. He put the square-shaped heating pads on their thighs and used the blanket to cover both of them in gentle warmth. Pleased with the new arrangement, he placed a small kiss on the nape of Tooru’s neck, causing tiny goosebumps to appear all over the exposed skin. 

Slowly, twilight faded into dawn, painting the sky in hues of red. The first Sun of the year was now shining on this small town in Miyagi. Hajime pulled Tooru closer and nestled his chin in the crook of his shoulder. They both let out a deep sigh, wordlessly sharing the same thought. How does one convey a lifetime of love in ten weeks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to Mirrorball by Taylor Swift on loop while writing this chapter. Writing from Oikawa's perspective is always more difficult and often too personal. This chapter became a reflection of my personal struggles with anxiety and ambition.  
> I promise the next chapter is all fluff and fun :)


	9. What have you got to lose?

February 9, 2013  
A Shopping Mart, Tagajo, Miyagi

“Five thousand yen!” The pink-haired boy eagerly proposed. 

“Give it up Maki, I am not doing this” His friend, a boy with serious downturned eyes, replied. He was six feet two, with a large muscular build that made him look intimidating. Thankfully, loose black curls on his head added a youthful softness to his face. 

But Hanamaki Takahiro had no intentions of turning back. He tried to renegotiate the terms, “Ughh you are no fun Mattsun! How about this, two thousand yen, and I get to try out one of the caskets at your store” 

Matsukawa Issei turned towards him with a look of false disgust “First, what in actual fuck dude, that’s just creepy. Second, it’s against store policies” 

“What if I am a customer who wants to try out my forever mattress?” he pressed on, a strawberry mint lollipop hanging from his half-open mouth.

“You can’t be serious right now, also what if I win? What’s in it for me?” Matsukawa asked as he flipped through the shonen magazines stacked neatly on the shelves. 

He scratched his head, pretending to be in deep thought, “Two thousand yen and I cover your shifts for a week”

“Smart, however, I am not falling for that... Damn, the new volume of Shonen Jump isn’t here yet” Matsukawa was now hunched over, sifting through magazines on the bottom rack.

“Well, it was worth a try. Fine, what do you propose?” Hanamaki knew from that start that his friend would drive a hard bargain.

“Let me think” Matsukawa stood up, and dusted his knees. “Well, I don’t think it’s ethical to bet money. Instead, if you win, I will do your English translation homework for a week, and I’ll buy whatever you want from that French Bakery downtown” 

His eyes widened in excitement, this was an enticing deal. Matsukawa knew him too well, which also meant the counter would be something equally awful. 

“However, if my guess is right, you will dress up as Vabo-chan at the next girl's volleyball match” Matsukawa gave a capricious smile.

“Ahhh! All the cute girls would be there. Do you want me, your best friend, to die an old lonely geezer?” he groaned.

“Scared of losing? I thought you were certain about winning” Matsukawa egged him on. 

“Fine, Matsukawa Issei, you got yourself a deal. But I am going to win,” he declared. 

“Okay,” Matsukawa shrugged and turned around the aisle. _Ouch._ He had knocked into an ill-placed shopping cart. Hanamaki, who was following behind him, bumped into his back a second later. 

“I am sorry, sir-” Matsukawa went to instinctively apologize, but stopped mid-sentence when he recognized the shopper. Hanamaki bit into the lollipop with a loud crunch, breaking the awkward silence.

“Maki, Mattsun, what are you guys doing here?” Iwaizumi Hajime nervously asked, his face rapidly losing all color. 

“Yo Vice, funny running into you. We were just-” Hanamaki was interrupted by Matsukawa’s elbow jabbing into his stomach. 

“Quite a few interesting things you got there Iwaizumi, any special plans?” Matsukawa asked nonchalantly. 

Hanamaki looked at the shopping cart and chuckled. Chocolate bars, icing sugar, condensed milk. This day was turning out to be quite interesting.

“Uhh … yea … diet … yes this is a new diet I am trying. It is called chocolate cleanse” Iwaizumi fumbled. The other two looked at him with puzzled expressions. “Yea, I read it in a magazine, it is trending in the US” 

“Does the diet also include shaping your food into tiny hearts?” Matsukawa inquired, holding up a silicone baking mold. 

“Kawaiiii!!!!” Hanamaki exclaimed. He reached his hand into the cart and picked out a heart shape cookie cutter. Iwaizumi’s colorless face was now a burning red. 

Before Iwaizumi could respond, Hanamaki slapped on his back, and wheeled the shopping cart away from him, “Ohh, don’t look so frazzled. We got your back, Iwa-chan!” 

“Hey, wait up! It’s not what you think” Iwaizumi tried to go after Hanamaki, but was blocked by Matsukawa’s arm tugging at his shoulder.

\---

Iwaizumi Hajime leaned against the marble countertop and thought about the sequence of events that culminated to this exact moment. Yesterday he was agonizing over whether he should make chocolates for Oikawa this Valentine’s Day. He then spent four hours last night watching YouTube videos of pouring melted chocolates, which was unexpectedly satisfying. An hour ago, he finally decided to try a recipe that he found on a website called “Cooking for Dummies”. Thirty minutes ago, he ran into his volleyball teammates at the store. And now he was inside Hanamaki’s kitchen, with two plastic bags filled with ingredients he didn’t even recognize. 

Iwaizumi and Oikawa had agreed to not tell anyone about their relationship. Yet, Hanamaki and Matsukawa immediately caught on to him, and oddly enough were not surprised by this information. Were he and Oikawa that obvious these past few weeks? That was improbable as he was extra careful, and surprisingly Oikawa had dialed down his shenanigans lately. It seemed as if all this time those were just ploys to gain his attention, and now he had no use of them. Did Oikawa secretly tell those two? No, Oikawa wouldn’t do it without informing him, that he could be a hundred percent certain about. 

As he watched Hanamaki arrange their purchased items on the countertop like a cooking show, Iwaizumi asked himself, was it really a bad thing that these two had found out somehow? If he was being honest, he had no idea what to do and was secretly glad when Hanamaki took over his shopping cart at the mart. 

“Maki, can I ask you something?” Iwaizumi said. 

“Sure, I am your Sensei right now. Do you want me to go over the tempering process again?” the boy in the apron replied.

Hanamaki loved collecting hobbies of all kinds, from the mundane to the obscure. He would get inspired all of a sudden and then spend months mastering the craft, only to give it up all of sudden. His motto was to do something as long as it sparked joy. During his knitting phase, everyone in the volleyball club got a woolen scarf in the middle of summer. Matsukawa often said that in the event of an apocalypse Maki would be the one thriving solely based on his array of completely random skill sets such as fishing, wood carving, and knife throwing. Hence Iwaizumi wasn’t shocked when Hanamaki said he was well versed in chocolate making. Apparently, that was a skill he picked up sometime in middle school.

“We first have to melt the chocolate and bring the temperature to-” Hanamaki continued to explain. 

“Wait, that’s not what I wanted to ask” Iwaizumi interrupted him, “I wanted to know how did you guys find out?”

“Oh” Hanamaki’s eyes had a new kind of sparkle, “Have you heard of micro-expressions?”

Iwaizumi shook his head in confusion. 

“The furrow of your brow, the corner of your mouth, the hairs behind your neck, they never lie my friend” Hanamaki explained. 

Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if his friend was joking or if he was serious. 

“I have recently mastered the art of micro-expressions, and I could read it off both your faces like that” he snapped his fingers. 

“So are you like Sherlock Holmes, now?” Iwaizumi asked. 

“No, no, not fictional characters. Have you heard of Paul Eckman? He pioneered the science of micro-expressions-” Hanamaki was interrupted by a snickering laugh from behind. 

Iwaizumi looked over Hanamaki’s shoulder to find Matsukawa bent over, clasping his mouth to conceal his laughter. 

“We saw you and the Cap snogging in the bathroom, at Hanamaki’s birthday party two weeks ago” Matsukawa blurted, “Sorry, I couldn’t believe you would actually fall for his bullshit”

Iwaizumi stood motionless, as embarrassment rose up from his toes to the tip of his hairs. “Maki! You shitfaced punk!” he lunged forward, but Hanamaki jumped sideways, narrowly escaping Iwaizumi’s deathly grip. 

The kitchen erupted in chaos as Iwaizumi chased after Hanamaki, while Matsukawa convulsed with laughter.

\---

“It’s done?” Iwaizumi asked as he stared at the lime-sized round ball of chocolate sitting in the middle of his palm. It concealed a strawberry cream in the middle and was covered with ground nuts. How can something so tiny be so difficult to make? 

“Yup! Not too bad for your first time” Hanamaki relaxed his shoulders and stretched out his arms on the countertop, carefully avoiding all the spilled chocolate. They had spent hours stirring and mixing, and their arms were burning with the familiar ache one feels after a long service practice. Matsukawa was snoring lightly on the couch, tired of all the taste tests the other two had put him through.

“Thank you” Iwaizumi bowed. He was glad Maki and Mattsun had helped him with the chocolates. He had just spent the entire day with those two, cracking jokes, eating chocolate crumbs, and teasing each other. How foolish he was to carry the fear of ostracization in his heart all this time. They accepted him and Oikawa as is, without even blinking an eye. For that, he was truly grateful. 

“Oye, don’t get weird on me” Hanamaki replied, “Maybe next year you could try a mirror glaze, or maybe marbling with white chocolate-” he stopped as he noticed a sudden sadness rise in Iwaizumi’s eyes. “Hey, Vice, what’s wrong?” he asked. 

“There won’t be a next time” Iwaizumi mumbled. 

“Ohh, you can send him chocolates by post. My aunt who lives overseas always sends me stuff, so it won’t be an issue. Man, you get gloomy too fast” Hanamaki tried to cheer him up. 

“It’s not that-” Iwaizumi hesitated. Oikawa had explicitly stated that their relationship would end when he leaves for Argentina, and he had agreed to that because having Oikawa for a few months seemed enough to last a lifetime. Lately, though, Iwaizumi had found himself wishing for more. Oikawa had transitioned from his best friend to his boyfriend like it was always meant to be. They were already perfect partners on court, and now he could see Oikawa as a partner in life. It was true, he was afraid in the beginning. However, now he felt ready to face all the uncertainties of their career paths and give their relationship a fighting chance. There was a voice growing inside him, to confront Oikawa and tell him how he truly feels. _What have you got to lose?_ The voice would ask him repeatedly. Iwaizumi wondered if he should ask Maki and Mattsun for their advice. Of all the friends he had, those two were the closest to both him and Oikawa. 

“Actually, you are right, I was being silly,” Iwaizumi answered. He had fun today, and there is no need to spoil it by bringing up his problems.

“What are you two yapping about?” A sleepy voice arose from the couch. 

“Mattsun! You are up, how long were you planning to sleep anyways?” Hanamaki called out. 

Matsukawa rubbed his eyes and dragged his feet to the kitchen. He reached out to pick up one of the truffles, but his hand was swiftly swatted away. 

“Those are the good ones, you can have some from the trash pile” Hanamaki pointed to their bowl of scraps. He then turned to Iwaizumi with sudden seriousness. 

“In return for my teachings, I have a really important question to ask you” He motioned Iwaizumi to take a seat on the nearby chair. 

“You will answer it truthfully, for the very fabric of the future hangs from it” Hanamaki upped the dramatic tone of his voice. 

“Uhh... okay” Iwaizumi replied. 

“Between you and Oikawa, who made the first move?” Hanamaki asked, his eyes were deadly serious. 

“You are being really weird right now, but I am grateful that you helped. So I’ll let it slide this time" Iwaizumi answered gruffly, and then added, "As for your question, it was me, I kissed him first” Iwaizumi answered. 

Hanamaki looked like someone had knocked the air out of his lungs. He remained standstill, only blinking occasionally. After what felt like ages, he sat down on the floor, head in his hands, chuckling loudly, “I never thought you would be such a romantic, Iwaizumi”

Behind him, Matsukawa munched on the scraps, looking extremely satisfied. 

\---

A few days later, Oikawa Tooru made his way through the crowded bleachers. His Spanish tutor went overtime again, and he had already missed the first set of the girl's volleyball match. It was a local tournament among schools of the Sendai region. There was still some time before the second set, and Aoba Josai’s cheering squad was huddled in a corner, getting ready for the game. Oddly, the mascot was not with the squad, instead, they were sitting a few benches away by themself. 

“Vabo-chan looks extra gloomy today. I wonder which poor first year is inside that smelly suit” Oikawa said, as he greeted Iwaizumi and Matsukawa, and took a seat beside them. “By the way, do you know where Maki is? I didn't see him on my way”

Iwaizumi averted his guilt-ridden eyes, while Matsukawa smirked “Maybe he is at the front, trying his luck with the girls from Tagajo High”


	10. sometimes love is too sweet

Valentine’s Day, February 14, 2013  
Aoba Johsai High School, Miyagi

“Megumi-san!” 

The first-year girl turned around and saw the tall boy briskly walking up to her. He really does have a weird head, she thought, _an onion, or perhaps a turnip._

“Funny running into you, looking for someone?” Kindaichi grinned awkwardly. 

“It’s a corridor in a school we both go to. What are you, a creepy stalker?” She huffed. 

“Well, there are only third-year classrooms on this floor. If you are looking for Oikawa-san, he is with Irihata-sensei at the gym.” He glanced at the poorly concealed box of chocolates Megumi was holding behind her back. 

She turned beet-red and stammered, “Of-of course not! Why would you think that? Uggghhh you are so annoying!” She then turned away and stormed off. 

Kindaichi breathed a sigh of relief. She was the second one since the lunch break started, and it has only been five minutes. This isn’t going to be easy. 

Yesterday Mastukawa-san and Hanamaki-san had summoned all the first years for an “emergency” meeting. And in this meeting, they received the strangest set of instructions from their senpais. At first, Kindaichi thought it was a prank, but Matsukawa’s death stare scared the lights out of him. He, along with Kunimi, had the job of ensuring that no chocolate reached Oikawa-san’s desk or locker today. Thus, he was here, at the entrance of class 3-5, interrupting Oikawa-san’s fangirls from delivering their gifts. It didn’t feel right to play anti-cupid on Valentine’s day. And his popularity among girls is definitely taking a massive hit. Still, it was better than the other three first years tasked with cleaning gymnasium 4. 

“Nice work!” 

The voice startled Kindaichi. “How do you just appear like that? Are you a ninja?” he asked Kunimi, who was silently slurping from a juice box. 

“It is a pain, but anything for Iwaizumi-san, right?” Kunimi said.

“How did Iwaizumi-san get involved? I thought we were doing this to prank Oikawa-san.” Kindaichi was puzzled. Something was clearly off from the start. 

“What is the point of such a big head if it’s going to be empty?” Kunimi sighed. “The Vice and the Cap are dating now, and this is their first valentine’s day together. Hanamaki-san and Matsukawa-san don’t want anybody to bother them.” 

Kindaichi scratched his head. This was too much information to process in one go. Iwaizumi-san and Oikawa-san have always been “close” since he first met them in Kitagawa Daiichi. They never had any boundaries or any personal space between them. He always thought it was funny how they bickered like his parents. _Like his parents._ Every kid, while growing up, eventually has this realization that their mom and dad are not just their parents, but are also together romantically. Kindaichi was experiencing a very similar “aha” moment right now. 

“When, how?” Kindaichi asked. 

“My guess is sometime during the winter break. Oikawa-san panics a lot less around Iwaizumi-san since the school reopened. And the number of shittykawas used by Iwaizumi-san has also dropped,” Kunimi replied. 

“Aren’t you a detective ninja?” Kindaichi was impressed. “Wait, weren’t you on locker duty?”

“That’s already taken care of,” Kunimi answered coolly. 

  
Kindaichi stared at the bin filled to the brim with beautifully wrapped boxes of all kinds. It was placed right next to the completely empty locker. He was amazed by the ingenuity. A note was taped to it: 

_Yoo hoo <3 <3  
I made this basket just for you to leave your gift, my dearest.  
With Love, and only Yours   
~ Oikawa Tooru  
_

“How did you get Oikawa-san to sign it?” Kindaichi asked. 

“I gave him a blank paper and asked for an autograph since he will soon be a famous pro-volleyball player,” Kunimi shrugged. 

“I stand corrected. You are a genius detective ninja.”

\---

Hajime glanced at his watch. It was 4:47 pm. The class was supposed to end at 4:30 pm, but the chalk continued to scratch against the blackboard. _Why today of all days?_

It was revision week, and their final exams were starting next Monday. Ishikawa sensei, their Physics teacher, was conducting an extra class to re-teach the topics he felt were not sufficiently covered during the regular school hours. 

Hajime swiped up his phone and contemplated sending a message. He could still make it in time if the class ended now. _Maybe if I run as fast as Usain Bolt. Wait, does Usain Bolt experience time dilation? Focus, you idiot._

“Iwaizumi!” Ishikawa sensei had noticed the glow of his phone screen from the corner of his eyes.

Hajime jerked in surprise, and the phone fell from his hands before he could hit send. “Yes, sensei,” Hajime stood up awkwardly, with one foot trying to slide the phone under the desk. 

“Could you explain the difference between the special and general theory of relativity?” Ishikawa sensei asked calmly.

 _Shit._

\---

The school bag hung low from Tooru’s shoulder, and it carried the English and Spanish translation notes. Studying for three different languages had his head spinning, and he wasn’t sure which languages his thoughts were in anymore. 

Every year, his bag and his locker would be overflowing with chocolates and letters on this day. It didn’t matter if he was single or dating someone at that time. Oddly, this year he didn’t even get one-tenth of that. It did bother his pride slightly, but he chalked it up to the fact that his fangirls were too heartbroken over his graduation. In any case, the most valuable box of chocolates was tucked inside his coat pocket.

Tooru had given Hajime chocolates on Valentine’s day every year since middle school. And each time, he would tell him that Himari had sent extra chocolates for both of them. The truth couldn’t be any further from that. Because each year, Tooru would spend days melting, mixing, and pouring chocolate into candy molds just for his Iwa-chan. _This year there are no more excuses_ , he thought to himself and smiled. 

Although Tooru hardly paid any attention to his surroundings, his muscle memory brought him to gymnasium 4. It was a two-story gymnasium and was exclusive to the Boys Volleyball Club. The large double glass doors were locked. It was revision week, and the club had its last practice of the term the previous weekend. Fortunately for Tooru, he had the keys on him. 

The metal hinges groaned as Tooru pushed the door open. The place hasn’t been used for almost a week now. It didn’t smell of air salonpas anymore, which was strange. Maybe the cleaning crew started early this time. 

He lowered his bag on the floor and flipped open his phone. “Meet me at 5 pm” read the last message, sent almost two hours ago. He looked at his watch, 5:03 pm, and scrunched his nose. 

-

The large white clock displayed 5:25 pm, and Tooru was pacing the gym in annoyance. The volleyballs and the nets were locked away in the club room. He wished he could practice a few serves to kill time and the burgeoning anxiety in his chest. 

“Tooru … sorry … late …” someone spoke feebly, their words interrupted by heavy panting. 

Tooru turned towards the source and found Hajime bent over, clasping his stomach like he just completed the fastest sprint in human history. 

“Ughh, what’s wrong? You sound like a dying squirrel” Tooru helped Hajime sit down and offered his water bottle. 

Hajime took multiple deep breaths and leaned on the wall behind him. He took two large gulps of water and spoke, “Ishikawa-sensei went over time, and I got assigned extra work. I ran straight from class.” 

“Homework during revision week? What did you do to get in such trouble?” Tooru asked. 

Hajime ignored the question and sprung back up on his feet. “Time to improvise,” he declared, “Tooru, close your eyes, or I’ll lock you in the broom closet.” Things haven’t gone according to plan so far, but he was not ready to give up.

Tooru raised one eyebrow and feigned a suspicion, “Oooh! Never guessed you would be into this kink, Iwa-chan!”

“Shut up! Broom closet it is!” Hajime pushed Tooru towards the narrow closet.

“Fine, fine, I’ll close my eyes,” Tooru resisted. Hajime pushed him forward till the end of the court and made him face the wall. 

Tooru put his hands on his eyes, like a child counting before a game of tag. He heard Hajime unzip a bag and fumble around with something moderately heavy. The switches clicked, and the gymnasium went dark. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Hajime said with a vibrant smile. 

Taking this as his cue, Tooru turned around and opened his eyes. Hajime was standing in the middle with a tray of individually wrapped truffles in his hands.

“What do you think?” Hajime motioned upwards with his eyes. 

The high ceiling was illuminated with hundreds of tiny dots of light mimicking a night sky. Tooru traced the source to a starlight projector right next to his valentine.

Taking this as his cue, Tooru turned around and opened his eyes. Hajime was standing in the middle of the gymnasium with a tray of individually wrapped truffles. The corner of his mouth was slightly upturned like a prologue to a smile. 

“What do you think?” Hajime motioned upwards with his eyes. 

The high ceiling of the gymnasium was illuminated with hundreds of specks of light mimicking a night sky. Tooru traced the source to a starlight projector placed beside Hajime. 

Have you ever walked on air inside a dream? You take the first step on instinct, but your right foot doesn’t hit any solid ground, and your left foot wobbles to keep you upright. You are scared, yet a part of you is sure you are meant to move forward. And so you do, you walk lightly, unsure of this invisible force supporting your soles, yet determined to reach the end. That was how Tooru felt as he walked over to Hajime. Suspended in cosmos, absolute nothingness around him except the faint twinkling of faraway galaxies, with the brightest star right in front of him, shining with the light of a thousand suns.[1]

Tooru slipped his hand inside his jacket and took out a red tin box, “Happy Valentine’s day to you too, Mi Amor!”

Hajime’s lips parted for a toothy grin, and in quick succession, another set collided with them. As Tooru tugged him closer, he raised his heels to bridge the five centimeters. And then his toes left the ground. 

“Oye, put me down! The chocolates will fall!!” he exclaimed, but Tooru was not going to let go any time soon. 

-

Sweet with a hint of bitterness. Tooru licked his lips, the taste of Hajime’s mouth was still lingering on them. He turned to look at Hajime, who was hunched over a Bluetooth speaker and cursing under his breath, 

“You piece of crap!” Hajime muttered the fifth time. Tooru could not stop himself from smiling at his boyfriend getting mad at the portable speaker. His Iwa-chan has a short fuse, and right now, that plastic cylinder was really pushing its limit. 

_Zoob-Zoob!_ The magical sound of a successful wireless connection rang from the device. 

“Finally! you piece of shit!” Hajime said aloud. He stood up and dusted the winter school uniform, then rolled down the sleeves of his jacket to perhaps look more polished. 

Tooru watched him with utmost curiosity. The rendezvous at the gymnasium, the galaxy of stars, the handmade chocolates; Hajime has surprised him at every step so far. 

Hajime held his phone out like the baton of a conductor. A flick of the wrist and an orchestra came to life. Tooru was enraptured, and he began grinning ear to ear when he recognized this composition of violins, bass, and piano. “Cinderella? From the middle school play? Oh! Iwa-chan, what has gotten into you today?” he exclaimed. 

“May I have a dance with you?” Hajime asked as he bent forward in his best impression of a Victorian curtsey and offered his hand. 

“Yes, you may, good sir!” He eagerly grasped the open palm, and Hajime pulled him into a close position. The ace’s left hand rested firmly against his back, and their right hands were clasped together and outstretched. 

“Not too bad, Nobleman B,” Tooru said as he matched his footsteps with this handsome dark-haired boy. 

“Is that so, Prince Charming?” Hajime smiled smugly. 

_So this is love, mmm  
So this is love  
So this is what makes life divine  
I'm all aglow, mmm  
And now I know, and now I know  
The key to all heaven is mine _[2]

The voices from a bygone era serenaded the two lovers as they swirled around this make-believe ballroom lit by a thousand stars. 

In their middle school play, Tooru was the Prince who danced with Cinderella at the front of the stage, and Hajime was a filler Nobleman who looked on from the sidelines. For a long time, Hajime believed that Tooru was unattainable. Even after they got together, he leaned on this belief as a crutch when he walked beside Tooru, always a step behind and ready to let him go when the time came.

However, at this moment, the Prince was in his arms, and just maybe, seemed attainable. Hajime leaned into his partner as the music entered a slow tempo. 

“Hey Iwa-chan, I can hear the gears in your brain. What are you thinking, Mi Amor?” Tooru whispered into his ears. 

“Theory of Relativity,” Hajime replied, his voice barely audible. 

“Well, Einstein, you have me intrigued.”

“The passage of time depends on where the person is standing[3] … When I am standing next to you, time comes to a standstill. Yet the outside world moves on, much faster. I don’t even know how long we have been inside this gymnasium. It’s dark outside now, and it could be 6:30 pm or midnight…”

Tooru looked at him with a puzzled expression. Their movements are now a slow shuffle. 

“Iwa-chan-”

“Tooru, these past two months have been great. You have given me more happiness than I could expect in a lifetime. But I don’t want to feel like sand slipping through my hands each time I see you.” 

Tooru’s feet stopped, and Hajime almost stepped on them. 

“What do you mean, Iwa-chan?” Tooru asked quietly, his eyes refusing to meet his partner. 

“Look, I know we agreed this was for the best. But I want us to give us a chance. I love you-” 

Tooru’s hands fell from his back, but Hajime caught one before they could recede completely.

“I love you, and I know you love me too. Or tell me you don’t, and I’ll stop talking,” Hajime spoke with steady determination. 

Tooru’s hand went limp, and Hajime loosened his grip. 

“I was afraid. But I won’t be anymore. I want us to try Tooru!” he said earnestly. 

Tooru withdrew multiple steps, widening the gap between them. “You don’t know what you want, Iwa-chan,” he said, his voice tinged with fear. 

“I want you, and you are worth fighting for!” Hajime rushed forward and grabbed Tooru by the collar. 

Tooru jerked those desperate hands off him and shoved Hajime, “I am nothing! Open your eyes, Iwa! I am flying to Argentina on a pipe dream, with a one-way ticket, no sponsor! I only have enough money to last six months there on my own, and that’s it. I don’t know when I’ll come back, whether I’ll stay in Argentina, or which country I will be in next! I have nothing to give! Do you hear me? I AM NOTHING!” 

Tooru gasped for air. His whole body was quivering as if a massive wave had just washed over him. He closed his eyes and steadied his breath. 

“Tooru, please, these things you said are all superficial. Our bond is more than that, we can face every uncertainty together” Hajime slowly stepped forward, but Tooru signaled him to stop. 

Tooru opened his eyes and looked straight at Hajime, “It is my fault. I was selfish this whole time. As your best friend, I can’t let you do this. You deserve better. I am sorry.”

Hajime was shocked by the coldness in his eyes, “Oye, don’t make decisions for me” he said with anger rising in his voice. 

“You give me no choice. Clearly, you are not capable of making one by yourself,” Tooru said calmly. His words pierced through Hajime like daggers.

“You are a manipulative bastard and a coward!” Hajime yelled. The shock of his own words froze him in place. 

“You are right about that,” Tooru said. “Good night, Iwa-chan. Good luck with your exams.” He smiled, pushing back the tears rising in his eyes right now. He turned around and walked out of the gym. He had won this argument, yet his shoulders were slumped, and he looked utterly lonely and defeated. 

Hajime was still panting from his outburst. Anger clouded his vision, and his hands were clenched shut. He ground his teeth in frustration. Even though a part of him desperately wanted to stop Tooru, his rage overpowered him.

“TOORU!” He hollered with all the air in his lungs. Alas, it was too late. The boy had disappeared into the night. Hajime kicked the starlight projector, sending it rolling down the floor. The galaxy of stars spun around him, flickering until each collapsed one by one. With the last star extinguished, Hajime fell onto his knees sobbing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1The brightest objects in the universe are quasars. Learn more about them: [vsauce](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJB7gbjiJKw) [pbs spacetime](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TZEp_n3eIc) [ return to text ]
> 
> 2 So this is love perfomed by Ilene Woods and Mike Douglas from Cinderella (Disney, 1950) [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0C-pbKVuS70) [ return to text ]
> 
> 3 This was inspired by this quote: _“It feels like time is passing so quickly. Damn you, Einstein! Your science is crowding in on our kiss! He was right. The passage of time depends entirely on where you're standing. Relativity Theory... it's so romantic. But it's just so tragic too.”_ ~ Kurisu Makise, Steins;Gate  [ return to text ]


	11. most times a ghost is a wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: death, last rites (of unknown character)

December 26, 2012  
Matsukawa and Sons Funeral Home

A long yawn slowly slipped from his mouth and his eyes watered up. His fingers drew circles at the temples trying to ease the light throbbing inside his head. The coffee machine was bubbling and whirring, and a watery black liquid slowly dripped into a stained mug. Issei Matsukawa hoped the caffeine would counter his sleep deprivation. 

Two hours ago, at around 3 am, his father received a call for a funeral service. Night calls were rare as most hospitals gave clearance and release during the day. Also, Issei has managed the front desk of their funeral home for two years now, and they have never taken a job like this. Everything felt off about this situation. His father had only called in Takahashi-san, who was their longest-serving employee and the backup priest.

With the coffee mug in his hand, Issei made his way down the hallway. He came to a stop next to the large oak doors of the main office. His father and Takahashi-san were inside talking to unknown men. There was a man, roughly in his forties, dressed in all black _._ He was most likely related to the deceased. The other two men wore suits and looked like armed bodyguards. 

_Who were these people? Could they be the Yakuza? Is this a cover-up? No, his father was the most honest man he knew. Then why are they doing this off the books?_ Issei had so many questions, and the caffeine only exacerbated his jitters. 

He considered placing his ear to the door but decided against it. The less he knew, the better. He still had preparations to do for the _Nokan-no-gi_ [1]. He reached the central hall and pulled open one of the heavy doors. It was pitch-black inside. His hands found the light switch on instinct, and he turned it on.

"Aaaaaaahhh!" Issei shrieked. 

His jaw hung low, his mouth still agape. The lukewarm coffee was slowly spreading like a Rorschach stain on his shirt. 

“I am sorry if I scared you,” said the specter.

His face quickly regained color, and he went from sheet white to tomato red. He bowed repeatedly. “Sorry! Sorry! Please forgive me. I wasn't expecting anyone in here.” He rushed out of the room and returned with a rag. He dabbed his shirt first, then mopped the floor where the coffee had spilled. He slowly raised his eyes to see his ghost. It was a girl with long black hair. She was sitting with her heels tucked in, and a black silk kimono hung loosely from her bony frame. 

“May I get you something, maybe tea?” Issei offered, but the girl shook her head. He then continued with the preparations. He cleaned the hall, lit the incense sticks, and set the wooden frame to hold the casket. Occasionally he would glance at her and find her sitting in the same pose as if she was carved out of stone. She was in her late teens, probably the same age as him. 

Issei had been witness to many kinds of grief and had built up a professional tolerance. Still, a pang of helplessness rose in his chest each time he looked at her. It was clear that she was the closest to the deceased, for she looked like someone who had lost everything. _Why was she all by herself at this secret Wake?_

“You are not a regular employee, are you?” she asked, startling Issei once more. 

"Errr ... did I do something wrong, Miss?" He was sure he did everything as instructed by Takahashi. 

“The other men were all old, and you look quite young.” 

“Ohh, yes, my father runs this place, and I help out sometimes.” 

“Then, can I ask you for a favor?” 

Issei stammered as he tried to frame a reply. _Is this a test? What if he says no and pisses her off? What if he says yes and pisses off that man in black yukata?_ She looked straight at him without blinking. Her eyes were like a cloudy night sky. Thick black clouds of grief hung low and had erased all light. 

“Ye-yes-ss,” he replied. 

She opened her fist to reveal a thick gold band. It definitely wouldn't fit her bony fingers. “Please put it in the urn, with my mother’s ashes.”

It was an odd request. Still, given how strange this night has been, this was perhaps on the more normal side. 

“Maya-sama[2], your uncle is waiting for you,” a heavy voice called out. One of the armed guards was now stationed at the door.

The girl quickly got up, but her feet caught in her kimono, and she stumbled. Issei rushed in to support her. She leaned on him briefly and whispered, “I trust you to keep it a secret.”

She quietly walked away with the man in the suit. Issei dug his hands in his pockets, and his fingers hit thick cold metal. 

\---

February 20, 2013  
Aoba Johsai High School

The school bell rang loudly to mark the end of the morning exam. Iwaizumi Hajime handed over his answer sheets and walked out of the classroom. Moments ago, one could hear a pin drop in this place, and now it is a corridor bustling with students. A crop of fluffy brown hair joined the crowd two doors away and floated above the rest. A name rose in his throat, but his lips traced it soundlessly. _Oikawa._

It has been a week since their fight on Valentine’s day, and they had not spoken even once. The day after, Tooru showed up at his house, in time for their morning run at six am. Hajime watched him from the window and gritted his teeth in anger. He hated how perfect Tooru looked in his tracks as he leaned on the outer brick wall. _Shittykawa_. Hajime hated that he was in love with this conceited idiot who flat out rejected him on Valentine’s Day. So he huffed and drew the curtains, leaving a tiny gap. Tooru waited for roughly thirty minutes, then he walked away.

The next six days, Hajime peeked through that gap every morning, but Tooru never showed up. Fortunately, all the studying and rote memorizations staved off the sinking feeling in his heart. For the first time, Hajime was grateful for exams. Even in school, he never saw Tooru because there was hardly any overlap between their exam schedules. Today was the first time he caught a glimpse of his boyfriend in a week. _Correction: ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend, and soon-to-be ex-neighbor._ And he could feel the familiar bile scratch his throat again.

“Oye! Iwa!” Matsukawa waved at him furiously from the far end of the corridor. He and Hanamaki were in the same class as Tooru. However, it looked like he was by himself right now. Hajime waved back and walked up to him. 

“Maki ditched me after the exam. Have you seen him?” Matsukawa asked, and Hajime shook his head in response. His eyes tracked that brown-haired boy taking the stairs down. 

“Maybe he went upstairs to clear his desk locker,” Hajime suggested. He wanted to avoid running into Tooru as much as possible. 

They climbed up the stairs to Class 3-6. Luckily, his guess was accurate, and they spotted Hanamaki on the third-floor corridor chatting animatedly with Mihoko. 

“Maki!” Hajime shouted. 

Both Mihoko and Hanamaki were startled and looked at them with wide eyes like a cat caught clawing the milk carton. It took them a second to regain their composure. Mihoko gave a short bow to the two senpais and briskly walked away. 

“She was looking for Yahaba, and I just happened to run into her,” Hanamaki flashed a grin, “Lunch at the same old spot?”

-

The trio climbed another flight of stairs to the roof. The roof had a six feet high platform, which housed a water storage tank. They would use the steel rungs to climb up the platform. Oikawa had named this spot the “Watchtower”, for it was the highest point in the entire school. On a clear sunny day, like today, one could even see the glistening blue waters of Shiogama Bay in the northeast. It was their favorite place to hang out, and they would often have lunch here. But never without Oikawa. 

Now, an uncomfortable silence occupied the space between them like the slow suffocating humidity of a summer afternoon. They sat down with their feet dangling over the platform. Matsukawa and Hanamaki shared furtive glances. Their eyes would drift towards the empty space beside Hajime and settle back on him again.

“What?” Hajime growled. He hated pity. 

“Nothing” Hanamaki shrugged. 

“Actually, we are worried about you … and him as well,” Matsukawa said, “Oikawa has been avoiding us the whole week.”

“I am fine, and I don’t speak for Oikawa,” Hajime gave a curt response.

“Leave it Mattsun, they both are being selfish dickheads. School is going to be over. Do you really want our last memories to be like this?” Hanamaki threw his hands in exasperation. 

Hajime clenched his fist. He knew they were right, but it was not his fault. Tooru was the one who abandoned them. At least he was still here.

“I don’t know what you want me to do,” he grunted. 

“Iwaizumi-san! Are you up there?” Someone called for him. A girl was standing on the roof, her eyes squinting, as she tried to identify the three boys who climbed atop the water tank. 

“Igarashi-san! Just give me a minute,” Hajime jumped from the platform, and landed lightly on his feet, his knees bent and his arms in front for additional balance. 

“I was having lunch with my friends from Volleyball Club here. That is Hanamaki Takahiro, and the one behind him is Matsukawa Issei,” he waved at the two standing above the platform. The sun was behind the boys, and the girl shielded her eyes with her hand to cut out the glare.

“Igarashi Maya. Nice to meet you,” she tilted down her head slightly, then turned to Hajime, “the Career Counselor has called us to his office.”

“Ohh Okay, let’s go” Hajime waved to his friends a second time, and followed her through the door. He unclenched his fist in relief and felt grateful for his unexpected savior. Hanamaki and Matsukawa were right to be angry with him, but he was too burned out to address them at the moment. 

On the roof though, Matsukawa didn’t feel any relief. The hair on his neck stood up when he heard that voice. It was lighter as if the weight of grief had lifted off, but it was unmistakably the same person. And when he looked down at the girl standing below, it was all but confirmed. The sun shone on her pale face and gave him the clearest view. That specter he saw months ago in the funeral home, was in front of him again.

Hanamaki noticed his shallow breathing and asked, “Issei, what’s wrong? You look like you saw a ghost!” 

“I think I just did,” he replied.

-

Maya was walking in front of Hajime. She was a few inches shorter than him, which made her taller than most girls in their school. Her long black hair was tied in a neat low ponytail. There was something anachronistic about her. Like a time traveler born in a bygone era, who has lived in the future, but didn't belong in the present. 

With Tooru around, he never had to worry about making small talk. Instead, he was the one dragging Tooru from unbearably long chitchats with complete strangers. Right now, his companion had not said a word to him, and he felt the growing pressure of initiating a conversation. 

Hajime tried to remember what all he knew about her. She was a transfer student from Tokyo, and she joined Aoba Josai last year. She mostly kept to herself, rarely engaging in any conversation with anyone. 

_I heard her dad was in the Yakuza and got arrested. That is why she moved from Tokyo ... Is she related to the Igarashis? ... Nah, that is such a common last name. She does not even look Japanese. Maybe she is foreign?_

The students engaged in many speculations about her, but no one ever dared to ask her. Hajime could count on a single hand the number of times he spoke to her even though they were in the same class. Each time it was about college applications. That was the only thing they had in common. _This could be a starting point._

Hajime opened his mouth, but words never left his throat. He realized they were already outside the office. Through the glass panel in the door, they could see a student already talking to the counselor. 

“This would take a while. We should sit,” Maya said. She sat in one of the chairs in the waiting foyer. 

“How do you know?” Hajime asked. He took the chair opposite her. 

“Just a feeling,” she responded, without meeting his eye. 

And she was right. It had been over fifteen minutes, and there was no sign of when the meeting would end. At one point the student burst into tears, and the counselor had to draw the blinds. Now he could not even see what was going on. Sitting in silence made him even more impatient.

“Iwaizumi-san, could you stop doing that?” Maya pointed at his left foot that he was tapping unconsciously for a while now. 

“Sorry, I hate waiting,” he replied. His ears were a touch of red from embarrassment. 

Maya pursed her lips to suppress a chuckle. “Worried about the type of letter you got?”

“Oh God, I did not realize that was the reason we were called.” Hajime grabbed his stomach. Exams and heartbreak had him so preoccupied, he forgot it was the end of February, and colleges have started mailing their decisions.

“No, No, I am fine. I am also preparing for the entrance exams. Tokyo University has a good sports science program,” Hajime tried to ease his rising panic. 

“Sports science, that’s very non-traditional. What got you into it?” Maya asked. 

Hajime dug through his backpack and took out a book which he handed her. "This." 

The book had a frayed spine, and its pages were interleaved with roughly scribbled notes on oddly shaped pieces of paper. The book was by an author she did not recognize, Takashi Utsui. It was titled A Volleyball Physical Training Book for People to Avoid the Injuries that I Suffered.

“I borrowed it in my first year from the school library, and they let me renew it each time because no one ever asked for it. I think they stopped stamping it in my second year.”

Maya looked at the front page filled with return dates, all during 2010 and 2011. “You had a sports injury?” she asked. 

“No, not me, but someone on my team,” his voice trailed off. 

It was three years ago, and Hajime and Tooru had just joined the volleyball club. The first practice match was set, and none of the first-years were in the starting lineup. This did not sit well with Tooru. He was determined to prove to the coach that he deserved to be the starting setter. 

One day at morning practice, Hajime noticed that Tooru’s sets were lower than usual. Later, in the afternoon, he observed that Tooru was putting more weight on his left knee during the receive training. After everyone left, Tooru insisted on practicing his jump serves. This was the fifth consecutive night he has practiced late. 

“We hardly get to play during regular practice hours, Iwa-chan! Fifteen minutes more!” Tooru said each time. 

Hajime was tired of saving Tooru from overworking himself. That day receiving practice had caused painful welts on his arms, and he was exhausted. He left the gym and went to the clubroom to get changed. He returned ten minutes later to a silent gym. There were no loud booms of the monstrous jump serves, instead, a soft whimpering. Tooru was curled on the floor, clutching his right knee. 

The next few hours were a daze. Hajime remembered screaming for help till a security guard showed up. Tooru’s parents soon arrived, and they rushed him to the hospital. The doctor said the ligaments in the knee were overstrained to the brink of a tear. Tooru was really lucky this time. Even the slightest additional strain could have resulted in permanent damage.

The day after, Hajime had skipped school and went to Tooru’s house instead. The setter was heavily medicated and fast asleep. The strained knee was encased in a stiff brace. 

The sight of Tooru lying helplessly in bed made his guilt churn in his stomach, and he almost threw up. The previous day, he did notice that Tooru’s play was off, and he should have told the coach. Irihata-Sensei would have stopped Tooru from practicing. He should have fought harder when Tooru insisted on the extra jump serve practice, and he definitely should not have left him alone in that gym. He felt like his body was on fire, and he could not move a muscle to save himself. 

But Maya does not need to know about his guilt. 

“The team really needed him, and the injury was from overworking. That person just wanted to get better at volleyball. Instead, he almost lost volleyball. So I started researching online on better methods of training.” 

“During that time, I came across a series of books by Takashi Utsui. He was a volleyball player with a relatively short career plagued with injuries. He started writing about his own experiences. Now he is a visiting professor at the university I applied to. And he is a consultant on the US national team. I hope I get to meet him someday and work for him,” Hajime said.

“You care about him a lot. Do you love him?” Maya asked.

“Ohh no no, I am not some crazy fan of Utsui Takashi. I know I carry his book with me all the time, and I know how it looks-” he stammered. 

“I meant the boy who got hurt. You would do anything to not see him in pain. That's what got you into sports medicine,” she said.

Hajime felt like he was cut open by this girl who barely knew him. He shrugged, “I don’t know, that guy has moved ahead in life, and doesn’t need me anymore.” 

“The opportunity to care for someone you love is a privilege. Hold on to it, even when they try to push you away,” she said with deep melancholy. Her eyes darkened, and she looked away. 

Her words carried a palpable pain, and his heart ached in response, even though he barely knew her. 

Seconds passed, and the door swung open. The student came out of the office, and the Career Counsellor called for Igarashi Maya next. 

“It will not take long,” she said with a smile as she entered the office and closed the door behind her. 

-

Hardly a couple of minutes had passed, and the door opened a second time. Maya stepped out and signaled Hajime to go next. The counselor looked distraught. His mouth hung open. It appeared that the tables were turned, and he was the recipient of some shocking information. 

“Maya-sama--Igararashi, please wa-wait-” he stammered. He noticed Iwaizumi outside the door and stopped mid-sentence. He adjusted his composure and called him in. 

-

“Please have a seat,” The counselor pointed at the only chair in front of his desk. He was a man in his late forties, with greying hair and soft wrinkles. Overall, he was a kind man, sometimes a bit spacey, and always over-eager to help students. Today he acted more distracted as he fumbled through a pile of envelopes. 

“So, are you still interested in that university in the US … ah, there it is!” He pulled a thick white envelope from the pile.

Iwaizumi recognized that seal immediately and began tapping his left foot again. 

“Sorry, Sensei, I don't understand the question. I have already applied, and you helped me with it.” 

“Just making sure I get the emotion right when I deliver the news. Don’t want to get it wrong twice in a day,” the counselor laughed sheepishly. 

“Yes, University of California is still my dream school,” Iwaizumi replied. A bottomless pit had already formed in his stomach, and he was ready to jump in it. 

“In that case, I have really great news for you. Congratulations! You received an offer!” The counselor declared and handed over the envelope. He leaned over the table and vigorously patted his shoulder, “Yes! You did it!”

Iwaizumi ripped open the envelope and stared at the letter printed on thick bond paper. The letterhead was embossed in Blue and Gold. He bit his lower lip to stop it from trembling. The golden ticket was in his shaking hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Nokan-no-gi: the act of placing the deceased in the coffin. I referred to the following resources while writing about the funeral home. [1](https://japanjunky.com/what-can-you-expect-at-a-japanese-funeral/), [2](https://thefuneralsource.org/trad140205.html) (My only intention is to be respectful of the traditions. If I have missed the mark, please let me know in the comments.) [ return to text ]  
> 2 Sama: a Japanese honorific used to address a person of higher rank. (also used for deities, for customers by shopkeepers, etc.)  [ return to text ]  
> The title of the chapter is a quote from Haunting of the Hill House by Shirley Jackson  
> 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far! Hit that kudos before you leave, it will make my day :) This is my first time writing fanfiction. I would love to read your feedback in the comments.
> 
> Igarashi Maya is a fairly important OC. She only makes a guest appearance in this book. I have more things planned for her later in the series. That is if I continue it. 
> 
> Additional author notes: click [ here](https://fawkesroy.tumblr.com/post/638575198959026176/author-notes-for-book-1-the-spring-where-love) (a collection of artwork, fanfics, songs, doujinshi that inspire me)
> 
> Find me on twitter [@FawkesRoy](https://twitter.com/FawkesRoy) and tumblr [@fawkesroy](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/fawkesroy)
> 
> Forever grateful to Furudate sensei for this wonderful world of Haikyuu!!


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